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Comments for 'A day in the life of Master Chief....' |
Jillybean
4:53 pm | September 28, 2003
Hey - you reviewed my fic and were really nice, so common courtesy I decided to come over here and have a look.
Right now I'm kinda busy so I promise to look at this in more depth later.
From what I've seen - great descriptions, nice flowing action. There are a few wee things - like this paragraph
_ Master Chief plucked the small chip out of his head and plugged it into the slot on top of 343Guilty Spark. The AI slid from side to side as both the minds fought for control. Then, it stopped._
I like it - and I think that it's a good summary of your writing in general. Very inspired, very good - just a tad rushed. Maybe if you'd said
_Master Chief plucked the small chip out of his head and plugged it into the slot on top of 343Guilty Spark, the chip clunked into place. The AI slid . . ._ etc. You're really good at descriptions - so use them,
You say you're only 12? Well if I could have written like this when I was your age I'd be rich by now, so don't give up by any means!
And if you don't wanna piss off the fans - try reading over your story once or twice to read it over.
Jillybean
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that guy over there who smiles just a biiiit too wide
12:32 am | September 25, 2003
Thanks for all the input, and I also know that I can't put in a new paragraph in between the talking. I'm only twelve, y'know? And Alpha Lance, I was meaning that the annoying little program made a copy of himself, body and all. And this is set in halo 2, i mean if it wasnt obvious then ok, im a confusing person, but i thought that perhaps it was obvious. thanks for all the constructive criticism(thats wat my teacher says) and thanks monitor101 and nicholas for the comments about the name, i get that way when im about to do something to screw something up, earning me the nickname Trouble at school. Or Pain in the Neck. anyway, thanks for saying that.
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Alpha Lance
11:42 am | September 2, 2003
You know what I'm talking about. Master Chief knows what 343 Guilty Sparks looks like. And plus you need to indent and start a new paragraph when someone gets done talking, m'kay.
Alpha Lance
Creator of Halo Trilogy
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Anonymous
6:18 pm | July 27, 2003
wut monitor said 8.5/10
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Alpha Lance
5:02 am | July 27, 2003
I think the mc would know what 343 gs would look like.And the ATV dosen't come out intill Halo 2.
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nicholas
8:31 am | July 20, 2003
I'm only posting this to say: You have the strangest screen name I have ever heard. It's still good though... Sorta
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monitor101
6:48 pm | July 18, 2003
The story has some interesting qualities keep them coming indent though! Great name.
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