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Comments for 'Rise of the Hellion chapter 1' |
mastercheifsdogs
1:05 am | May 18, 2004
WHY HAVE YOU STOPPED WRITING
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Sarge
4:33 am | August 5, 2003
Now to figure out how to indent and italicize ship names... this is my first submission since the new things been put in... makes me feel stupid... I feel like it's taunting me right now...
Glad some people like my story...
The Hellion use a combination of all techs as you notice they also have flamethrowers however they have yet to come in contact with humans...
I choose a modified plasma rifle using the basis that both the Covenant and Hellion started out there societies together before conflict burst in this will all be explained later...
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Desert Fox
3:27 am | August 1, 2003
Though there are a few rough edges, minor to a groundling like myself, this story has a great plot and premise. I readily enjoyed it and I hope to be able to do so again.
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Berconius
12:52 am | August 1, 2003
I got kinda lost in your writing. You seem to make a lot of run-on sentences, but those can be fixed. I would try a grammar check before you submit the next part of this series. Nice idea and nice details. The sense of honor and ceremony of the Hellion is a real change of pace from the usual "Forerunner-gonna-kick-covie-ass-cuz-they-were-mean-to-humans" stint.
Not to say that the idea of such is BAD since it's still fun reading about covies getting squished by big dropship doors but These Hellion seem like something special.
I'd really like to see what you can do with this plot. I noticed that you made the Hellion out as somewhat of an evil race.
Just a suggestion, but I think that your story could be pretty deep in a moral sense if you do something like make the Humans launch an attack on the Covenant homeworld at the same time the Hellion do and then have the Hellion turn on us after the battle. Then we could have some cool guilt trip monologues about how we "should've known" or "seen it coming"; "those Hellion were fishy from day one...etc.". Then you might be able to drag the Forerunner in this by using thier technology to match the Hellion.
...unless the the Hellion ARE forerunner. But that's still fine.
Just a suggestion.
8.5/10 (check your commas and run-ons)
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HunterKiller
9:29 pm | July 31, 2003
Great! This idea is pretty good. Like the Dark Brotherhood! Keep em coming
10/10
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monitor101
5:47 pm | July 31, 2003
Nice Sarge bloody brilliant the Dark Brotherhood sounds pretty well crafted! no complaints 10/10
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scope
4:42 pm | July 31, 2003
9.5/10 No complaints here.
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pooman
4:23 pm | July 31, 2003
i read ur story again and decided 2 change the grade 10/10
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Agent Shade
2:58 pm | July 31, 2003
hey, nice to see you have a story of your own being developed, and this is really well done. i noticed a few grammar problems with commas, and i don't know if you indented whenever someone new spoke...if you did, my bad..
do the Hellion basically use plasma technology just like the Covenant? Because if that's true, wouldn't the odds sort of be even, since the Covenant use plasma...i dunno, i just noticed Jatiz carrying plasma rifles and the thought occured to me
keep it up 10/10
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pooman
2:00 pm | July 31, 2003
good to see that ur writin a story of your own 9/10
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Wiley
1:33 pm | July 31, 2003
Man, I have an Idea sorta like this for my story; mind if I still use it?
9.5/10
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