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Comments for 'The Other Reclaimer; Part 1; Chapter 1: Mobuto and 'Aemasee' |
SOS.Odin
9:59 pm | April 1, 2004
took me a while to get to readin urs it seems
some reason i kept skippin it
anyways i read it
not bad
just do what everyone else says and ur good to go
read mine :D
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Burny
8:38 pm | April 1, 2004
Hey man, this was a really good piece of writing. I enjoyed it. Sure, there were a few errors here and there but it was really good writing. 9.5/10
I'll be sneding in my own story soon, entitled "War Is Hell", which takes place along Halo 2's timeline. It will take place from many different perspectives (though it will remain in third-person), including that of the Master Chief.
Good day.
~Burny~
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Mind_Affecting_Parasite
5:02 pm | April 1, 2004
Well, you kinda subconciously stole my theme of a story, but somebody had to do it eventually. From the looks of it, you are going a different rought than I am so I think that once I get back into the FF every few days thing (damn computer breaking on me) I might just write my version of this tale anyway. Remember my name so you can compare your's with mine. If you want of course.
Well about the story, I won't say much, just:
Listen to everyones comments and actually use them. I've noticed some writers who will listen to comments and even conferm that they understand what the commenters are saying, then when their next posts come out, it looks like they actually did the complete oposite of what they were recommended.
Anyway, I ramble too much...
-MAP
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MC's Cousin
2:40 pm | April 1, 2004
Well, it was fairly good. From my point of view. You need to work on flow, it seemed a little...jumpy and glitchy. And yes, watch the repeditiveness on those names. And you need to get a larger vocabulary for descriptions and stuff. "Infidel" gets old after an Elite uses it more than a couple of times.
And oh, I almost forgot...make sure you keep a good eye on-actually, keep two eyes on it. By "it" I of course refer to the great and mighty (not inferior to Breakdown) Halo plot (or storyline if you like that term better. Since Mobuto is kinda worked up in the Halo universe deal, you need to keep the detail accurate on that part. Unless of course you want to create your own dimention of Halo, and in that case, it's all your's.
And oh yes, another big thing that caught my eye in your writing:
"It was wonderful, it was fintastic, it...it...it...it was so incredibly..." April Fools.
Naw, I'm just fooling around with ya.
But, really, another thing you have to work on is your descriptiveness and combat-writing-ness.
When I was reading your combat and descriptions I really couldn't get myself up into them like a reader would like to do if he/she/it wants to truly understand, comprehend, and just plain enjoy reading the piece of FF.
You need to put more detail and varied things into your writing when you are describing combat. Make the reader feel like he's there:
smell the smoke
feel the tention and heat on their faces
hear the bullets and plasma fire
-You know like that. If you've ever read the Halo books you know what I'm talking about. There ware intense moments when you feel for the characters and are like:
"No, what the F*! How can the MC get a Flood on him! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
or
"What's going on?" *scrath head* "What is happening."
-You know, stuff that makes a story real. And good. And well, just plain worth reading.
Have a friend read it an tell you what he/she/it thinks about it. Read it over yourself at least. And make sure to follow th code. Please.
Signing Off
MCC
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The Collector
11:56 am | April 1, 2004
Not bad but a lil overly repetitave with the names. I dont think Mobuto talks like Kelly Robinson from I Spy (Eddy Murphy) lol. Good story though just dont over do it with the Mobutoes and whatnots.
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Rebel Shuttle
12:57 am | April 1, 2004
I never saw I Spy lol:)
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Helljumper
10:30 pm | March 31, 2004
Good one
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Wiley
11:22 am | March 31, 2004
not too bad, nicley written action sequence.
It'd be interesting to see where this goes.
play your cards right, and you could have a good series.
9.3/10
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Nick Kang
8:33 pm | March 30, 2004
Pretty good. There are a few spelling and gramatical errors here and there, and you do have to watch word repitition. Overall it was fairly good. 7 and a half out of 10.
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JJiggssaw
12:38 pm | March 30, 2004
Very nice. Better than anything I could write, you just have to work on not repeating words too much, and you are missing some commas. Nice work!
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