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Comments for 'Halo: A Troubled Galaxy' |
Ghost
12:00 am | January 1, 1970
I noticed it didnt put his dreams in italics and also sorry about putting so many in this story. I had to find a way to get to his past. There will be barely anymore dreams in my series
Heres a sneak preview:
After a while the Chief could see their massive army of elites, hunters, jackals, grunts, banshees, phantoms, ghosts, and wraiths.
Once they got about ten miles away the hidden tanks on the canyon fired at the wraith tanks and the phantoms coming down the path. Then the chief fired as he saw explosions and heard screams echoing threw the valley. Then alpha base sent long sword fighters and pelicans to give support. He saw rocket soldiers fired at whatever they could on the ground as some of them caused devastating rockslides.
Then the Chief got an order to move behind their army and support their backup tank army that was hidden behind the Covenant army.
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Javier fernandez-vina
12:00 am | January 1, 1970
COOL a sneak preview, now i can't die without reading the next one.Maybe i'll travel to the future.
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Mainevent
12:00 am | January 1, 1970
It's alright, let me tell you what you're doing wrong.
A) There's nothing really eye catching about this series/story.
B)The action is lacking, use more description. Don't write a two-page intro to the scenery, just a one or two paragraph opener that sets the mood. Trust me, it will help you if you ever go for the horro genre.
C) Don't write the sounds into your story. Change things like "wrrrr" went the warthog's engine to "The heavy jeep's massive engine whirred to life..."-YOu still get the wrrrr sound accomplished.
THat's all I have for now.
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Ghost
12:00 am | January 1, 1970
well SORRY its the first frikin one the next one will have MORE ACTION and be cooler trust me it will be better!!!!!
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PaYnE
12:00 am | January 1, 1970
dont worry Ghost we all start somewhere people here are tough criticts......
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Ghost
12:00 am | January 1, 1970
My new story will be posted tomorrow or the next day for sure!!!!
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Hawk7886
12:00 am | January 1, 1970
Yes, PaYnE, there are some tough critics here . . .
Besides the little items Mainevent noted, I found some other ones:
Make sure to capitalize where needed. Things like races and ranks must be capitalized (Chief, Elite, Ghost, etc.).
Remember to use there, they're, and their correctly. Same for to, too, and two. I'll get you on those ;)
Be sure to uses COMMAS.
You also use the word 'then' too often.
I'm just commenting as I read and I've noticed something: You aren't proofreading. If you want you could send it to Hawk7886@hotmail.com and I could edit it for you and take the blame for any mistakes made. Or you couldn't and I could critisize frivolous mistakes here. I would be happy to edit it for you, and it takes a huge workload off of you.
Since you're fresh meat to the fan-fic section, people are gonna treat you like everyone else, so don't try to use that as an excuse ;)
I suggest you read stories by the highly acclaimed authors like Agent Shade, Frensa Geran, and 'Nosolee so you could better understand how to set-up and execute an excellent story.
6/10
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Ishkabibbl
12:00 am | January 1, 1970
To Quote Gabe from Penny Arcade, "I belive comma's are tools of oppresion."
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Javier Fernandez-Vina
12:00 am | January 1, 1970
Dude beleive me i know, write it in microsoft word and do a grammar check.Even if you proof read you'll miss things.I proof read my series and there were still at least a dozen mistakes when i passed it through microsoft word.If you get the grammar rigth the critics will concentrate on the actual story.
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Hawk7886
12:00 am | January 1, 1970
The critics always focus on the story; they just like to point out the mistakes. . .
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Javier Fernandez-Vina
12:00 am | January 1, 1970
OH and they live for mistakes, here boy want a mistake go get it boy.
woof.
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masta'
12:00 am | January 1, 1970
hey, i tought that it was a great story and i wont all those retard critics that dont have a life and need to find sumthing betta to do than to pik on sum1's werk to just piss off, any way good job, i'll b waitin fo' da next 1 to come out
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