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Comments for 'Fight fo New Tatley (Chapter 4: The Survivors)' |
Jamirus99
11:37 pm | November 30, 2003
A hearty W00t to that, and good luck!
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CoLd BlooDed
9:27 pm | November 30, 2003
Don't worry, that wasn't harsh at all (at least to me). I appreciate critism, writing stories is a thing I enjoy alot. Although I am only 13, I think I have potential. I'm not like some people who get pissed as soon as someone says something negative about my stories. It's all about getting better.
And again, thanks for the post.
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Jamirus99
7:45 pm | November 30, 2003
No problem.
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CoLd BlooDed
7:41 pm | November 30, 2003
Ok, lol, sorry I read this after I posted my fifth chapter. I'll remember that for the sixth, also I only use the semi-colons because the computer tells me to, haha. Anyways thanks for the post.
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Jamirus99
6:06 pm | November 30, 2003
Okay....first of all, you need to learn how to use commas, semi-colons, colons, and "..."'s. You're using commas to join everything, and it becomes hella choppy.
To wit: you use a comma with a conjunction like "and," or "but." OR, you can use a comma after an obligatory noun (such as: Yes, Michael?) or to seperate independent clauses wthin a sentence.
You use a semicolon (";") to seperate two different ideas or as a link between major sentence elements with a short pause (use a "-" to seperate different ideas with a longer pause)
Colons are used to list objects, present a series, or (a conjunction after a comma!) to introduce a quote.
"..."'s are useful as a special long pause- you may notice I use them often because I often ramble and I end up trying to seperate my different main ideas...
-------------------------------------------------
So...sorry for being a bit harsh there, but writers like you need to learn. No, I am not an English teacher. I myself am just a student....but a student who can't stand to read stuff that is improperly written.
Your story contains some good elements. Needless to say, for the above reasons, it is choppy, but the plot is good. Two nitpicks- your soldiers seem to talk very carelessly, even to superiors. Change that! Secondly, there is a tiny lack of realism here. Plasma is lethal; a barrage of bullets may or may not be depending on the enemy.
Looking forward to seeing the next chapter formulated properly so we can get to the real meat- the actual story!
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teemus
9:24 pm | November 28, 2003
Great storry man. The only thing i dont like is that how he keeps discovering more survivors. But other wise its good
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CoLd BlooDed
3:18 am | November 28, 2003
Hmmm....Walker maybe the Corporal will be court-martialed....another idea for the next story....but i want action in that one.
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BloodLust_HaloPc
1:54 am | November 28, 2003
U have made my day by writing me that peom and story it was a Hell of a ride and that u pleased me by writing it.
!@#$ing awsome Stry man. "We are hurt by plasma Burnin." my favourite.
Your poem brought me to the stage were my dad fought in the Angolan war and, it had made me feel since the soldiers and my dads friend had died in that war, I let my dad know and thanks and u have made me feel that I want u here.....
In Calgary Alberta, find some time and visit me k.=)
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Walker
1:38 am | November 28, 2003
Good, a little bit boring, but it's mostly because I'm tired. That Corporal's a coward and should be court-martialed. He would in real life. Anyway, hope to see more.
Semper Fi
-Walker
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