And Now, The Grand Finale to the Remade Halo: A Comedy Series.
(dramatic music, curtain rises revealing a set of Swedish girls putting on hats. They are mowed down by Flood and curtain closes. Screen drops in front of stage and all lights are turned out. Screen turns on and plays the following:)
"Hey, John," said Johnny as they flew away in a stolen vehicle over to the Pillar of Autumn, "Ya' know those enormous blue guys with he spikes and huge green cannons?"
"What about 'em Johnny?" said John.
"Well, don't you think it's kind of odd that they'd wear all that armor, and that huge bullet repellant shield, but leave that small orange spot open in the back? They leave the weakest place on their body open. Don't you think that's odd?"
"Yeah, but I was watching Covenant Fashion Channel-"
"Oh you watch CFC too?" interrupted Johnny.
"Yeah it's awesome isn't it?" continues John. "Anyway, so I was watching CFC and they said that it was actually fashionable for those huge guys to have the orange showing. And pretty much anyone who didn't show their orange was a fashion LOSER!"
"Oh man! I certainly wouldn't want to be a loser! No wonder those guys have those things showing."
"I'll say." said John.
"Hey, Johnny do you think I should run our vehicle straight into the side of the PoA just to offer the audience some comic relief?"
"Nah, it might ruin the mood a little." but then Johnny realized they were already inside the Pillar of Autumn and they're vehicle lay in a smoldering ruin behind them. "That was fast."
"Well they don't call me fastest crash in the West for nothin'."
"Aye, I'll drink to that. Speaking of drinking though, I really gotta' pee, man."
"Well do it down this hole. There are a whole bunch of flood down there."
"Are the Flood allergic to pee or something?"
"No, but it'll be really funny!"
"I'll drink to that!" And Johnny commeced urinating on the Flood.
"Hey, wouldn't it be cool if Bungie took us through all the same rooms and places that were in the first level?"
"Yeah it sure would. It'd be like reminiscing with a bunch of aliens!"
So John and Johnny and ST (Spidey-Tana) made their way through the PoA noting the room they had started in, the control room, Keyes room, and finally ending up in a place wear the phone sex lady was babbling about something.
"Expose the shaft and then just fire your rocket straight down it!" said ST.
"Now you're talkin' baby," said John.
"Yeah, but make sure you're being safe while you do it. You know almost five kazillion people a day are infected?"
"Ya' mean by the Flood?"
"Exactly. What else would I be talking about?"
John shrugged and got into position in the front while Johnny slipped around behind and they both fired their rockets in. "Alright, we double teamed that one!" They gave each other a high five. They blew the other two shafts really quickly but enough to get it them to blow and then ran into an elevator where they were greeted by Covenant. "Hello, Covenant." said Johnny.
"Yiyeee! Waaahhhh!" said the Grunt.
"Wort wort wort," said the Elite. "tol a ti yas od erus I tub,sneam 'wort' tahw wonk t'nod I!"
"Allow me to record that, play it backwards, speed it up, and translate." so Johnny recorded it, sped it up, and played it backwards. "Okay here's what got. 'I only have one bean for dinner and I don't think it's enough to save my children." The Elite got angry.
"!dedrater era uoY" he said. He then began shooting and his Grunts with green cannons joined in. When they were all dead, Johnny spoke. "How come the Grunts didn't use these weapons at the beginning when we weren't used to the controls? They surely would have killed us then!"
"I don't know, John. Guess we just lucked out is all." They moved onward and a timer appeared at the top of their visors and ST began to explain. "You guys blew the shafts too hard and now their going to explode all over the place! It'll cause a huge explosion of over a kagillion zillion billion google woogle degrees! You better run for your lives. Try using those conveniently placed Warthogs!"
So they got in the Warthogs and began driving. On they way they met Elites who yelled things at them like "raW fo seitlausaC daeR" or "!reve ciF naF tseb eht si raW fo seitlausaC". John and Johnny laughed and had a gay old time. Then they got to watch Foe Hammer put on a show for them as she crashed painfully into the ground. They clapped and gave her a standing ovation.
Then they continued onward and made it out just by the hairs on their chinny-chin-chins. Actually only John made it out because he was first player. Johnny died with the Blue Elite and guy who was having relations with ole' Blooey. John decided to take off his helmet but decided no one should be allowed to see. He then flew away but Johnny magically reappeared next to him.
Then they had a long indepth conversation about what squirrels would be able to do for the war if they were still alive.
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