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The Croton Chronicles: Chapter 7.1, With enemies like these, who needs enemies?
Posted By: Earl Hershberger (Funkster) & Trevor White (Boxer[subnova])<twhite1721@hotmail.com>
Date: 26 February 2004, 6:51 PM
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-The Croton Chronicles: Chapter 7.1, With enemies like these, who needs enemies?-
Renner decided that he was going to need everyone in his squad fully operational for the upcoming mission. Seeing as how Grater was lighter by the weight of one arm, it was remarkably clear that he would have to be fitted with a robotic arm. Renner woke everyone an hour early so that they could all get checked out at the makeshift hospital before leaving for their next mission.
At the field hospital the medical staff, which consisted of three doctors and a single nurse best described as a 'Broonhilda'-type, stood in utter amazement as Renner's squad walked in followed by an Elite.
"Doc, what can be done about Grater's arm?" asked Renner as he stepped through the door. Unfortunately the doctor was still in shock over the group that had just walked in to his field hospital and failed to respond. "I said," Renner repeated, this time leveling a pistol at the doctor's head, "what can you do you about this man's arm?"
"I guess we can give him a temporary robotic arm," the doctor answered in a manner that suggested, even to a person of a mildly low IQ, that he hadn't noticed the pistol in his face.
"Great. Get to it," Renner replied as he put his pistol away.
The doctors immediately went to work fitting Grater with the clumsiest, bulkiest, piece of crap they could scrounge together. The end result looked like an arm that had been covered in super glue and shoved into a bin full of scrap metal. With a proud look on his face, Grater asked, "So, what d'ya thinks of my new arm?" Muffled groans of approval rose up from everyone in the rest of the squad except for Shandor. When he got a look at the arm he walked over to Grater, placed his hand on Grater's shoulder, and uttered the stupidest thing anyone had ever heard him say.
"How's it going Sparky?"
Grater jumped off the table, and, with his new arm, slammed Shandor into the wall with enough force to create a man-sized dent. "What'd ya say jack-ass?" Grater growled.
"I said your arm looks spiffy."
"That's what I thought."
With that, Grater let the man go. No longer supported by Grater's mechanical limb Shandor fell to the ground and began to cry.
"Alright, enough already, we've got a mission we need to get ready for," Renner commanded. "I want everyone to head over to the armory and gear up."
The armory was the only building in the compound that didn't look like a blind, retarded four-year-old had put it together. The armory appeared to be a single piece of solid Titanium-B battle plating, 12 inches thick at the narrowest point...the door. Inside, however, was another story. When Grater entered a look came across his face like the kind you'd find on a kid in a candy store. He immediately went over to where the three Havoc tactical nukes were sitting.
"I want one of these!" he said.
"Alright, but you better not lose it this time," Renner responded.
"You know, when you say it like that, of course it's going to sound bad."
The rest of the squad did their shopping and were finished before Grater had even picked which variant of the standard issue AR he was going to use.
"For God sakes man! Just pick one already!" Andrea yelled.
"You can't rush these things," Grater replied, "Picking weapons is like picking fruit"
Eventually Grater chose the MA5B, but, that not being enough, he had to pick up a shotgun as well. "I could take on the entire Covenant army all by myself," he said while shouldering both the shotgun and the AR and resting his leg upon his new Havoc nuke.
"Sure you could...and I'm the Space Pope," Hillock retorted. Grater shot Hillcock a look that would have killed the man had he been equipped with laser vision.
"Alright, time's up! Everybody out," Renner bellowed.
The entire squad filed out through the massive armory door, leaving Yashoon and Renner behind. "What's the matter Yash?" Renner asked.
"I do not wish to offend, but have you not captured Covenant weapons?"
"Sorry bouts that chum, no can do."
"Then I will just have to use," Yashoon shuttered, "human weapons."
"Alrighty, might I suggest this?" asked Renner as he offered what looked like a MA5B on crack.
"What is this?"
"It's a Battle-Rifle. Nobody here likes them because they're too big, they have a slow rate of fire, and they look really gay with that scope on the handle."
"Thank you," Yashoon said as he took the rifle, "but what shall I do about armor?"
Renner hadn't thought about that. Yashoon had voluntarily given up his armor as a sign of good will and because the shield didn't function anymore—mostly because of the shield. Renner wondered what the alien would use for protection. Then it came to him. "AHA! I think I have the solution to your problem," Renner exclaimed.
15 minutes later, Renner emerged from the armory, and, in a very dramatic show, he called for Yashoon to follow. Yashoon emerged from the armory and, as one, the entire squad gasped. "Holy sheep and all that is fleecy!" Seton exclaimed. Yashoon was dressed in what looked like the standard issue UNSC battle armor, except that the armor he wore had been heavily modified.
"How'd you manage to do that all in the span of 15 minutes, boss?" Grater asked.
"That's a secret. Now everyone, let's get on that drop-ship. The faster we get this mission done, the faster we get to come back for some R&R."
With that everyone hauled ass to be the first one to get onboard the drop-ship. Everyone, that is, except Yashoon.
-11.5 hours later-
The ride in the drop-ship had been relatively quiet. This is, of course, the reason Shandor decided to ask another of his completely retarded questions.
"ARE WE THERE YET?"
"Shut the fuck up Shandor," Grater groaned.
"But are we there yet?"
"I told you to shut up."
"You haven't answered my question yet."
"If you make another sound I'm going to throw you out the back of the drop-ship again."
"Beep."
"Alright, that's it, you're a dead man!!!"
As Grater got up from his seat he attached one end of a length of cord to the structure of the drop-ship. "I told you that if you made another sound your ass would be flying the rest of the way." Grater grabbed Shandor, and, with the slyness of a fox, he attached the other end of the cord to the hooks in Shandor's body armor and threw him from the drop-ship. Everyone in the drop-ship stared, open-mouthed, as Grater went back to his seat. Renner, of course, just sat there like nothing had happened.
Soon the crew could hear a strange sound coming from the outside of the drop-ship. Upon closer inspection it was found to be Shandor 30 meters behind the Pelican, dangling and screaming, "WOO HOOO!" The crew decided that Shandor should spend the rest of the trip in his current state.
When the drop-ship touched down at the LZ, Shandor was there waiting. Actually, as he had unfastened the cord from his armor too soon—15 meters too soon—he wasn't so much waiting, as he was crumpled up on the ground and unconscious.
"Wake up." Renner yelled as he kicked Shandor in the side.
"Ugh!"
"Quit your bitchin', we've got work to do."
The rest of the squad filed out of the pelican, and a very good question came to Seton.
"Sir if I might interject?"
"What the hell does interject mean?" Renner glared as if Seton had tried to trick him.
"Never mind," Seton responded "I was just wondering what do we do if we come across something really heavy we've, got nothing to lift it with?"
"We call in a heavy lift team." Renner just stared at Seton in total shock, "You're not allowed to talk to Shandor anymore, that's an order."
"Yes sir." Seton said with the same enthusiasm as when you lose a rabid dog.
Five hours latter after trudging through barren tundra the crew finally came across what they were looking for a small door that resembled a sewer lid.
"LOOKS LIKE THIS IS OUR BUS STOP." Renner yelled over the howling wind.
"WHAT!" The entire squad yelled back.
After twenty minutes of charades and poor hand signals, they finally decided to go down the hole so they could here what Renner had to say. They were rewarded with what smelled like a sewer and looked like a grease pit, and a hard punch by Renner and the bottom of the ladder.
"Okay everybody let's follow that smell." Renner spat.
His order was met with responses of; "Oh joy", "My ass smells better than this place.", "What?", and vomiting.
"Well I'm glad you're all happy, I see a light up ahead we should be out of this shit pit in about ten minutes." Renner answered.
Ten minutes turned into two hours, but they did get out and into an almost perfectly spherical room aside from the fifty foot floor they stood on. Sitting a few feet away was a small box witch could be best described as an old 19" T.V. with one corner smashed in, and that is exactly what Shandor thought it was and went to pick it up when the thing piped up.
"Hello my name is Bif101 I run and maintain this facility."
"Gaaaaahhhhhhhhh," Shandor screamed and dropped Bif101, "it's possessed!"
"No. no. no. no I'm n. n. n. not." Bif101 responded
"Oh crap a busted AI." Hillock groaned.
"Look" said Renner "that busted TV monitor knows this place better than anybody so were going to need its help."
"Fine have it your way but trust me this is a really bad idea."
"Noted but we don't really have a choice so let's just get this over with." Renner ended the conversation and walked over to Bif101.
By this point Bif101 and Shandor were in an intense conversation about how scary shadows are.
Finally Yashoon spoke up. "Shandor shut up, monitor lead us to the armory or if that is not possible to the mainframe."
"You finally grew some balls" Grater smacked Yashoon on the back.
"What?" The elite looked completely puzzled.
"Oh yeah right never mind." Grater said slapping the elite on the back again and having a good laugh at his expense.
He was honored with a punch to the face and verbal warring never to touch the elite again, Shandor began to laugh and was kick by Renner, witch sent Shandor into a fit of wailing and crying.
"So, Bif101, you going to take us somewhere?" Renner queried.
"Yes follow me" Bif101 said merrily, and proceeded to sit on the ground and make grunting noises like a fat man who fell on his back.
"Okay let's go" Renner said a little bit more than annoyed.
"Right away sir" Bif101 responded, this time the AI managed a few sparks, some smoke and a scraping noise.
"Okay Shandor pick him up and go exactly ware he tells you to." Renner order.
"YES SIR" Shandor said and happily pick up the monitor .
"Follow me" The monitor said, and opened a door that was previously invisible.
You could tell the AI's programming was going into overdrive, and Bif101 went into what could be best described as a computer seizure, and started shaking, sparking violently, and screaming.
"Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god." And then fell out of Shandor's hands.
Renner looked over and uttered two words "Oh Christ."
"No shit," Hillock said, "this is going to be a long, long mission."
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