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Tactics: A New Way of Thinking (comedy)
Posted By: Awacar<t.alvner@swipnet.se>
Date: 15 November 2003, 5:57 PM
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Authors note:Please don't take any notice about what I think the Brute language sounds like in this story. If there are any spelling errors when people speaks, don't take notice.(Lets hope that every Brute-word was spelled correctly.)
Planet Nawuaduo, south pole. 20th of December 2552, 1439 hours
"Captain, we're under attack! Awaiting orders!" yelled Peters.
"Spread out, make the front really large. This will divide the Covenant forces so much that they lose contact with each other, after that, you can easily fight them, one at a time." Captain Daniels ordered.
"These tactics may have worked before the radio was invented, but not any more! All the Covenant out here have comm-links to each other! Give us something better!" Peters demanded.
"Follow orders! When you get back here you'll not have a good time. Out." Daniels ended.
Peters walked away to his colleagues, and informed them of the orders. They followed them because they knew that it was too late to successfully strike back. Their destiny was completed by a horrible death, caused by a bad captain.
"From here it looks like the Covenant are advancing, I strongly recommend escape." informed Johnny, the AI at the ship Piedestal of Winter.
"Where can I get a Longsword?" wondered Daniels.
"Six o' clock, five feet away." Johnny replied. Captain Daniels looked backwards, sees the Longsword and thanks Johnny.
"Help, it's rolling towards me!" Captain Daniels screamed before jumping aside.
"Johnny, where did you learn to park?" the Captain said.
"Reach, 13th of October 2548, 0544,1 hours, 2,593 seconds after my creation. But it was you who parked the ship at landing." Johnny answered.
"But you had the controls-"
"-before you destroyed them." the AI interrupted.
"Stop interrupting! And don't do it so loud, I can't think!" Daniels said, getting angry.
"Exchange that "can't" to a "haven't ever" and "think" to "thought", please."
"How am I going to get to Piedestal of Winter now, control-screwer?" Daniels asked.
"There's a big, green button in the Longswords panel where the text "RETURN TO MOTHERSHIP" is written in white. Get back now, out." informed Johnny.
"Why wasn't he killed, why? Two new mistakes from Captain Daniels, one killing nearly all of his force, another nearly killing him. He's a so tremendously bad captain, he has wiped out eleven Human strike teams, eleven!"Johnny thought.
Back at Piedestal of Winter, at the ships bridge, 2200 hours, same day.
"Johnny, why didn't we succeed?" the Captain asked, confused.
"Simply because of your crappy tactics." Johnny replied, calmly.
"Crappy tactics? Crappy tactics?! I'll collect a new team and then I will show you how good tactics can be!" barked the insulted Daniels.
"You aren't Napoleon Bonaparte, and ev-"
"Who the hell is Napoleon Bonaparte?! And, I can gather a new team, I'm a captain, people are loyal to me." Daniels shouted.
"-en if you were, no marines would join you. They aren't allowed to be suicidal! Besides, the UNSC starts to wonder if you have been caught by the Covenant and forced to screw as many teams as you can." continued Johnny.
"Johnny, of all AI's I've ever met, you're the worst one, definately."
"Let's put our little fight aside for now, a Covenant shuttle pod have attached to the ship, I have allready sent the remaining marines there." said Johnny.
"Remaining marines?! I strictly ordered you to put all of the people we had at the surface of Nawauduo!" Captain Daniels barked.
"I am one of those who seriously believes that you have been caught by the Covenant." Johnny replied gently.
"Okay, tell the marines that they will have to follow their own mind, and lets see if any of them survives!" ordered Daniels.
"You've ordered it."
The marines approaches the docking bay, and they see a Covenant shuttle pod door be blown away with plasma charges. The Humans throws two grenades into the pod and skillfully fires at the surviving Elites, killing them easily.
"Yes!" said Johnny with a triumphing tone, just to tease Daniels.
"I could have made that with my hands backbound!" lied Daniels, desperately trying to "rescue" all of his failed tactics.
"Warning, warning! Covenant intruder in section 29 TA! Please kill it but in your quarters, the cleaning people won't like to clean the floors from any part of any kind of body! Have a good day. The message was sponsored by Space Universe, your choice when travelling the galaxy." the voice of the ships security system said while switching every light to red.
There you see! My boys don't make a shit if I don't plan for them!" Daniels said, while Johnny started to laugh out loud.
"What's so funny?" Daniels asked with an irritated tone of voice.
"The Covenant is a, hahaha, wounded Grunt, running around and screaming "Mum, mum, where are you?" He came out after the fight, when all of the marines had walked away, totally unwounded." said Johnny, with an even more teasing tone of voice this time.
"I want every man with a gun at that Grunt! We'll seak it up and kill it!" the Captain ordered.
"This is rediculous! If there's something that you are capable of killing with your hands backbound, this would be it! May I even inform that there are more Covenant shuttle pods approaching?"
The Covenant storms the ship with more shuttle pods, and all of the marines is on the mission to kill a single Grunt. A Brute makes his way to the bridge, kicks the door in and speaks:
"Giv'ip t're fol'g fubcid cdo'fgo vuid!"
"Jefferson, you sound horrible, take a pill and go to bed." the Captain replied, without lifting his eyes from the monitor that shows the wounded Grunt.
"Hu reb'giv'ipf he rode'cn jukult'p!" the Brute yelled in his language.
"I don't get a shit of this! I order you to take your pill, Jeff-" the Captain says, before he's interrupted by Johnny:
"Captain it isn't Jefferson, it's a-" while the Brute again speaks:
"T're fol'g grodg'sh hu giv'ip!"
"Captain! Lis-" says Johnny, before the Captain says:
"Jeff, Johnny, shut up! I want to see how it goes with this Grunt." The words from the Captain gives the Brute an angry face-expression, before it says:
"T're fol'g grodg'sh! He fhi'g sgaj'ds!" before he walks out of the bridge, going for that Grunt. The Brute finds our Grunt, holds him in the neck, looks into the supervising cameras and says:
"Giv'ip, t're fol'g grodg'sh! He fhi'g hfrep t're!" while he shakes his arm (and the Grunt) in pure anger.
"Noo! the Grunt disappeared! I wanted to see how the marines would tackle him." Daniels says, very disapointed.
Later, the Brute gets back, holding his Grunt, and lets it down on the floor. The Captain now pushes buttons at the ships control panel randomly to get back the camera-vision that an Elite shot appart.
"Are you here again, Jefferson? Well, while you are here, can you tell me how to fix the cameras?" the Captain wonders.
"Hu rebgiv'ipf he rode'cn jukult'p! Hoh's t're grodg'sh" the Brute says.
Grunt:
"Hello, listen! This Brute says "Fucking Human, listen to me, or you'll die!""
"Please, be quiet. I've got my hands full with Jefferson and Johnny, I don't have time for small scientists with strange accents!" Captain Daniels said, without lifting his face from, or stop pushing, the buttons in the panel.
"T're fol'g fru'vgigd giv'ip!" the Brute said, without getting a notice from Daniels. The little Grunt starts to translate into english:
"You shall be hurt, human!" Still no notice from captain Daniels, just sudden bleeps from the buttons that he pushes.
The Brute is now so irritated that he grabs the Captain and tackles him into the panel. Daniels gets up, turns around and inspects his bridge.
"Aaaahh! The Grunt, do something, Johnny!" the Captain screams in desperation.
"It wasn't the Grunt, it was the Brute." Johnny replied, unusually concerned about the Captains problems.
"Jefferson, I didn't know that you were a Brute! You could have told us when you were recruited by the army. Or is this just some kind of suit? Some masquerade that I've missed?" says Daniels to the Brute.
"No Daniels, it isn't a suit! It isn't Jefferson either, it's a real Brute!" Johnny said.
"He halla e hallo i khjid'sa d'fis! Grodg'sh giv'ip!" the Brute says, leaving time for the Grunt to translate:
"I'm sick and tired of this crappy insulting! Die, human!" The Brute thereafter pulls out his rod gun, and kills Daniels with it.
"Yes, he's dead!" Johnny cheers, before the Brute hits the ships self-destruct button. The security system warns:
"Warning, warning! Piedestal of Winter will be self-destruct in two minutes. Please evacuate, we don't want the bones of you to be found in some garden on Earth. Have a good day. The message was sponsored by Space Universe, your choice when travelling the galaxy."
"But what about me? Ain't no one going to save the smart, kind AI?" Johnny asked.
"No, actually. Your information will be totally destroyed when you, and this ship becomes space-junk. The Humans scientists have no problem with space-junk, they can easily get the needed elements out of it. Have a good day. The message was sponsored by Space Universe, your choice when travelling the galaxy." the ships security system replied.
The ship broke apart, and here ends the story of the idiotic Captain Daniels and his poor AI advisorer, Johnny.
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