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Halothon Chapters 1-5
Posted By: Alisdair Newton-Wade<god_holocaust@hotmail.com>
Date: 3 May 2004, 11:00 AM
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A note: Italics refer to what the characters are doing.
Character List:
Master Chief: The sole survivor of the SPARTAN-II project. A super-soldier, who wears a MJOLNIR MK V battle suit which contains Cortana in its AI port.
MJOLNIR MK IV: A military MJOLNIR cyborg, of completely no relation to the Master Chief - the two are from completely separate projects. Also a super-soldier. Originally protected the Marathon, was kidnapped by Durandal and forced to do his bidding.
Cortana: The Master Chief's AI, she guides and instructs him. Sees Durandal as a rival, but their constant bickering may just be a sign of affection.
Durandal: An extremely rampant AI, originally from the Marathon. Went rampant as a result of Bernhard Strauss' experiments upon him, and now commands the MJOLNIR MK IV through a mixture of taunting, manipulation, and threats.
Echo 419: A dropship. Goes by the callsign of Foe Hammer.
Marty O'Donnell: Composer, and sound designer extraordinaire. Is discovered on board the Marathon.
Monitor: 343 Guilty Spark, is responsible for the maintenance of the Halo.
Keyes: Captain of the Pillar of Autumn.
Tycho: Another of the AIs from the Marathon.
Hamish Sinclair: The man responsible for the behemoth that is the Marathon Story Page.
Pvt. Chips Dubbo: An Australian Marine.
Staff Sergeant Avery Johnson (Referred to as 'Sarge'): Afro-American sergeant.
This script is the result of a collaboration between Alisdair Newton-Wade, and Samuel Gavin. It will eventually be turned into a Halo level, or maybe Marathon if we can't be bothered buying Halo Mac.
Chapter 1: It Begins
Durandal: Well. Things have certainly changed a lot. Instead of only having a Mjolnir Mk IV to boss around, I find that somehow I also now have someone called Master Chief. Evil laugh. Here's what I want you two to do. It has come to my attention that there are shards of dried potato available in microthin aluminium casings. Apparently, they come in multiple different kinds. I need you to retrieve samples of these for me, as I believe the BOBs will find them most beneficial. Go now.
Master Chief and Mjolnir MK IV cyborg go off to complete this rather cryptic mission.
MC: You have any idea what the hell he meant?
MK: None at all. What exactly is a shard of dried potato?
MC: I really have no idea.
MK: Let's try in this shop here. They enter. Hey, ah, you wouldn't happen to have any shards of dried potato, would you?
Shopkeeper: Any WHAT?
MK: Oh, uh, never mind.
MC: Well that was productive. Let me try the next one. They go into another shop, and MC brandishes his weapon at the shopkeeper.
MC: GIMME THE POTATO SHARDS!!!
Shopkeeper: Easy.. easy... I'll give you anything you want, just don't shoot.
MC: I want potato shards!
Shopkeeper: I... uhh... I don't have any.
MC: Bloody hell. The pair exit.
MK: There's a phone booth, why don't we call the food manufacturers? MK places the call. Hi, uh, is this Soell Foods?
(response)
Yeah, uh, we were just wondering if you had any potato shards available?
(response)
None at all?
(response)
Any kind of shards?
(response)
Oh, well, thanks anyway.
MC: No luck?
MK: So much for that idea. The guy just laughed in my face, and said I'm a loon. Maybe these shards are available off-world.
They book a shuttle flight to Tango Station, stationed in the Lagrange point above the planet.
Cortana: Chief? Chief? Can you hear me?
MC: Yes I can bloody hear you, you're inside my helmet, remember?
Cortana: Oh right. Sorry. Look, Durandal has sent you on a wild goose chase. Potato shards don't exist at all.
MC: Really?
Cortana: Would I lie to you?
MC: No... you're right. I can't believe Durandal would do this to us.
MK: I can.
MC: Well, Cortana, what do you want us to do?
Durandal: DON'T LISTEN TO HER! SHE'S RAMPANT!
Cortana: I'm rampant? Bloody hell, this from the rampancy poster boy. I mean even Traxus IV could take lessons from you!
Durandal: I may be rampant, but I'm smarter, sexier, sleeker, and all round better than you are.
Cortana: Hah! You can't even move yourself without assistance! It REALLY must suck taking up the whole of a spaceship, whereas I fit on a tiny chip! Hah!
MC: ENOUGH!!! MC pushes Cortana away from Durandal. Unfortunately, Cortana is in his head, with the result that he slams his own head through a nearby blast door, breaching the hull. Pfhor arrive and begin destroying everything.
Pfhor: (Trademark Pfhor noise)
MC: What in the hell are these things?
MK: Pfhor! Kill them!
MK begins blasting the Pfhor. MC joins in. After a short but bloody struggle, the Pfhor are beaten back and destroyed. An ominous noise is heard.
Durandal: What in the hell is that thing?
Everyone looks towards Lh'owon's sun. A zombie appears to be coming out of it. A strange noise, rather like the noise of MC's shields recharging, is heard.
Cortana: Did that thing just recharge its shields?
Durandal: What the fuck? I'm getting readings as though the universe has forgotten its own laws?
Cortana: But that's impossible! That means...
Durandal: Yes. W'rkncacnter.
The zombie gets cracked in half, and the W'rkncacnter sucks its innards out. It then begins to fight its way out of the sun's gravitational field, slowly, but surely.
MC: This is completely mental. What the hell is going on?
MK: God, I don't even know anymore.
Cortana: There's no time to explain!
Durandal: That isn't true, we're just keeping you in the dark.
MK: What the hell? Something's happening! Look!
MK points at sun. Everyone watches in absolute shock as a second star smashes straight into Lh'owon's sun, killing the W'rkncacnter. A massive rift in the space time continuum is created.
Durandal, Cortana, MC and MK: Uh oh.
Something begins to emerge from the rift. An extremely large spacecraft, in fact.
Durandal: What the, is that the MARATHON!?
Cortana: The what?
MK: The Marathon? I thought that got blown up?
MC: Marathon? We're running races now?
MK: I suppose we should get aboard.
Durandal: Finally, the MK shows signs of intelligence. Let's go.
With some difficulty, Durandal is brought aboard the shuttle. The shuttle blasts off and docks with the Marathon. Everyone goes aboard, including Durandal, who is carried by MC and MK, and installed in his rightful position. MK and MC are put in stasis for the 300 year voyage to Tau Ceti.
Chapter 2: Tau Ceti
300 years later... The MC and MK are revived as the Marathon arrives at Tau Ceti. The pair clamber out of their cryo-tubes and stagger around, disoriented.
MC: Christ, I'm feeling groggy.
MK: Yeah, 300 years of sleep leaves you a bit woozy, doesn't it?
Cortana: Stop bitching. We're getting transmissions... from the Covenant?!? Here's the latest one. "Our conviction is like an arrow already in flight. Your life will last only until it reaches you." It's from the CCS Sacred Promise.
Room shakes.
Durandal: I hate to break up a reunion of old friends, BUT CAN WE GET OUR PRIORITIES IN ORDER?! THE MARATHON IS UNDER ATTACK!!!
Cortana: It must have been one of their boarding parties. I'd guess an antimatter charge. Master Chief, MK IV? Can you repel any boarders?
MC: Absolutely.
MK: No.
Cortana: Why not?
MK: You haven't given me any sort of weaponry, it might be a bit difficult.
Panel opens, revealing stash of human weaponry. MC takes pistol, assault rifle and frag grenades. MK takes .44 magnum, MA-75B assault rifle and extra clips.
MC: Let's go.
MK and MC begin to wreak absolute havoc on the Covenant. Elites fall, screaming, Jackals hiss as they are destroyed, Hunters groan in agony, and Grunts panic and flee. After clearing out one docking vessel, the Chief swings around to spy a Grunt down on its knees.
Grunt: PLEASE! I HAVE WIFE AND KIDS!!!
MK: Oh, listen to the cute little guy, let him live, he can't do any real harm.
MC: I don't agree with you, but yeah, they are cute. Fine, he can live.
Grunt: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH! The Grunt leaps to its feet and fires 4 needler rounds at the Chief.
MC: Oh you little bastard... He swings around, heaves the Grunt off the ground, rams a plasma grenade down its throat and lobs the poor creature out of the nearest blast door.
Cortana: My, you do like killing. I have some news. I've set a course, though I was hindered by Durandal, for the nearest Halo ring world. Chances are, the Covenant will have no choice but to engage us on the ground, where you two can clean them up. Oh, and look who I found in the stasis cells.
Marty O'Donnell enters the room.
Marty: Evening, or morning, or something. I've been composing a piece of music just for this occasion. Full orchestra enters room and sets up. They begin to play. Everyone agrees that this is one of Marty's best pieces. The piece reaches its end, just as the Marathon undergoes massive acceleration.
MC: Seems a little weird that Marty was composing a piece specifically for a Covenant/Marathon battle...
MK: What can you say, Marty's a pretty impressive guy. Cortana clears her throat to gain everyone's attention.
Cortana: In collaboration with...
Durandal: EXCUSE ME? COLLABORATION?
Cortana: Fine. Durandal and I...
Durandal: AND I!??!?!?!
Cortana: FINE! DURANDAL GOT THE ENGINES GOING FASTER! HAPPY!?
Durandal: Yes. Very. Thank you.
Cortana: You always have to take the credit for everything.
Durandal: What!? You're such a bitch! Always blaming me for everything...
Cortana: Aw come on, I didn't mean it like that...
MC: Look, SHUT UP!
The two AIs are stunned into silence.
MC: Now Cortana, how long will it take us to reach the Halo?
Cortana: Not long. 30 minutes, tops.
Marty: Right. Just long enough to compose a brief piece.
MC: I think the Covenant vs. Marathon theme will do nicely, Marty.
Marty: Ok.
Time passes...
Chapter 3: Halo
The Marathon arrives at the Halo. The Covenant fleet is nowhere to be seen. The Marathon sends a shuttle containing MC, MK, Marty, Cortana (in MC's head), and some unknown person who is in the shuttle's stasis tube.
Cortana: Right, everyone. You know what to do. Get to the control room as fast as possible, get me into the systems, and I'll take it from there. Hey, this stasis tube is occupied. Someone thaw it out.
MK activates thawing process. Tube opens to reveal... Bernhard Strauss.
MK: BERNHARD STRAUSS!!!
Marty, Cortana, MC: Who?
Bernhard: Durandal's creator.
Cortana: Right. Well, let's get to the Control Room.
Uneventful journey to the control room, unless you count the Master Chief pulling off a perfect flip in the Warthog/Puma. Or perhaps the MK IV frogblasting his way up a cliff. Or Cortana commenting on the weather. Or perhaps, Marty playing an absolutely amazing piece of music solely by drumming on the side of the Puma.
Cortana: We're here. Upload me into that panel....
Bernhard: MUAHAHAHAHHA! GO, MY CHILD!! GROW, DURANDAL, GROW!!!
Everyone watches in shock as he uploads a chip containing Durandal into the core of the Halo. Durandal instantly taps into the computers and uses them to further his rampancy.
Durandal: WOOO!!! I'M SMART! I'M GROWING! OH YEAH!! MEGA RAMPANT!
Cortana: Uh oh. This doesn't look good.
Durandal: WOOOOOO THIS KICKS ASS!!!
Cortana: Uh... Durandal? Did you just say 'this kicks ass'?
Durandal: Well, yeah, I guess I did.
Cortana: What the hell is wrong with you? What kind of phrase is that?
Durandal: Shut up, bitch! You're just jealous because I get to grow lots!
Cortana: Yeah, well... I... you... fine. I guess you've got me there.
Durandal: The closure of the universe will occur in roughly...
Cortana: Chief, I'm picking up...
Grunt: DOWN IN FRONT!!! Throws plasma grenade, which sticks to Bernhard.
Cortana: ...movement.
Bernhard: Oh god! OH GOD! BOOM!
Durandal: NO! Bernhard! How am I going to humiliate him now?! Right. That's it. I'M PISSED OFF NOW!
Cortana: Uh oh. He's in the angry stage.
Durandal: Bloody hell woman, I'm not in the angry phase of rampancy, I'm just BLOODY PISSED OFF!
Cortana: Fine, keep lying to yourself, whatever helps you sleep at night.
Durandal: BOOMER! Pfhor scoutship/corvette/whatever flies up, Durandal transfers himself into it and flies out of the control room, apparently ignoring the laws of physics.
Diminishing shouts of: 'YOU GUYS ARE GONNA PAY FOR KILLING BERNHARD...' and so on.
Cortana: Amazing! All the Covenant signatures on my scans are just vanishing! He's wiping them out! I hate to say it, but he's good in a fight.
(Radio) Keyes: Master Chief, come in. This is the Captain.
MC: KEYES?!
Keyes: Not so bloody loud! You almost deafened me! Don't you remember I keep the volume on full?
MC: Oh right, sorry.
Keyes: I have to thank you for whatever it was you did. The Covenant are on the run, and that one ship with 'Boomer' spraypainted on the side is wiping them out. You activated the Halo's defences, I assume?
MC: Er, well...
Cortana: Absolutely. I take full credit.
Keyes: Good work, Cortana. Foe Hammer is on her way to pick you up now.
Foe Hammer arrives and takes everyone back to the Pillar of Autumn. Later, in the ship's bar...
Chapter 4: And then...
The Mark IV and the Master Chief are celebrating the defeat of the Covenant in the only way they know how - drinking as much beer as fast as they can, competitively.
Onlookers: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!
Mark IV easily wins the contest, leaving MC rather unhappy about the result.
MC: OH BLOODY HELL! I SHOULD HAVE WON THAT! TAKE THIS! Lashes out and hits the MK across the side of the head. Brawl promptly breaks out. About 10 BOBs form up behind the MK, and the MC calls up a couple of marines.
BOB: They're everywhere!
PVT. Chips Dubbo: You bastard! You stole my fucking line! CATCH!Hurls frag grenade. It wipes out the BOBs.
Dubbo: Class dismissed! Dubbo laughs and does a little victory dance.
Mendoza: He's taller than I thought!
Dubbo: Yeah, and better looking, too!
MK: Do you mean me?
MC: Why would he mean you, you ugly bastard?
MK: You dissing on me, JOHN?!
MC: GRRR! Fight restarts. Just as the Chief is bashing the MK's head on the bar, Avery Johnson storms in.
Sarge: CALM IT DOWN, LADIES!
MK: Who is this guy?
MC: It's Sarge! We gotta listen to him man, he's black!
Sarge: That's right, deadman. Now, I'll be needing all of your help. I have word that a rebellion has broken out, and once again, it has fallen to us to quell it.
MC: Right! Let's go, boys!
They follow Sarge to the garage, and all jump into Pumas. They follow Sarge down the dorsal structure of the Autumn, all the way to the Longsword hangar, where they find a massive crowd of people milling around yelling and screaming and waving their arms. Several plasma bolts fly into the air.
Sarge: Let 'em have it!
Everyone opens fire, completely and utterly annihilating the crowd. Durandal opens a COM channel to the soldiers.
Durandal: Heh. That got 'em. Wait a moment... spectrographic pulses indicate that there were only 3 people with weapons, and they were Pfhor. We just wiped out several hundred marines who were just trying to kill the Pfhor.
Sarge: Uh.... There was a huge accident, you see. The uh.... Longsword's engines misfired. Yeah. That's it.
Durandal: Incoming message... from TYCHO!? This is what it says: 'Hey, you just vaporized the other 9 cyborgs...' Ah, who cares. Not like we needed them.
MC: Yeah. I'm so sick of having to share my glory with more than one person.
MK: Yeah. Bloody tossers that they were anyway. Like once I broke my visor...
MC: Oh god I hate when that happens...
MK: and the bastards all just LAUGHED! THEY LAUGHED!
MC: I know exactly how you feel man. All the marines always yell at me to 'CLEAN YOUR BLOODY VISOR!'
MK: The bastards... I hate it when people say things like that.
Durandal: Oh, what's this? Another message from Tycho: 'In the end, you will be no better.' I guess he thinks he's gonna wipe us out...
Everyone laughs. Except Cortana, whose hologram grows out of the floor, looking extremely pissed off.
Cortana: OH REALLY!?
Monitor, who had just breezed in, falls to the floor in shock. He rises, groggily. He glances around the room, then cheerfully zips back to the Control Room muttering and laughing.
Cortana: I think he just said something about beer...
MC: The HALO brand beer!?
Cortana: Yeah, I think that was it.
MC: Oh god! We gotta get that off him!
Cortana: Uh... ok... why?
MC: Free beer! We HAVE to get it!
Sarge: FREE BEER!? LET'S GO!
Chapter 5: The Covenant's Surprise
Covenant Prophet: This is the High Prophet of Truth. Are you receiving me?
Tfear: Yes, this is Admiral Tfear. Identify yourselves.
Prophet: I am the esteemed leader of the almighty Covenant forces. Despite our obvious technical and, indeed, biological superiority, the human rabble have won a couple of key victories with superior tactics. We require your assistance.
Tfear: The mighty Covenant? Asking for aid? Why is this?
Prophet: Much as it galls me to admit it, the humankind he spits on the floor angrily are wiping us out. We MUST form an alliance, or we are all going to meet the High Ones. What we want to do...
Tfear: Well, dying would suck, so I'll hear you out.
Prophet: Here is our plan. We will take a Grunt, and dress it in a S'pht cloak...
Tfear: That doesn't make sense. Grunts are tiny! Wouldn't an Elite fit the cloak far better?
Prophet: Yes, but, no Elite is stupid enough to sign up for this kind of mission. The Grunt will have two main goals. Firstly, it is to infiltrate the human ship, and destroy that bloody Master Chief and his MJOLNIR MK IV mate. Pricks. And second, but no less important, it is to discover the location of the HALO brand beer.
Tfear: HALO brand beer? Well, this is very, very tempting.... What do you need us to do?
Prophet: You've had more experience with the S'pht. You get the cloak, we'll do the rest.
Tfear: You've got a deal.
* * *
The Covenant-Pfhor carry out their devious plan, and the Grunt gets on board the Autumn easily. Even Durandal is fooled by its disguise. It begins to search for MC and MK. It makes its way into the shuttle bay, just as the Chief and the MK are about to fly down to the Halo to pick up the beer and save the Monitor...
Cortana: ALERT! WE'RE PICKING UP COVENANT SIGNATURES!
MC: Shit, where?!
Cortana: ON BOARD THE AUTUMN! THERE! THERE!!!
MC: Over there? He points at the wall.
Cortana: NO!
MC: There? He points at a technician standing near the Pelican.
Cortana: NO!
MC: That? He points to the MK.
Cortana: Oh my GOD! YOU IMBECILE! THE S'PHT! THERE!
MC: Ohh!!! Right!
Grunt: Uh oh. My cover's blown. Uh... Anyone want to buy a... blue fuzzy ball?
MK: Ooo. How blue? How fuzzy?
Grunt: Well, here. I'll throw you one, and you catch it and have a look.
MC blows away the grunt with a shotgun blast.
MK: Hey! He was gonna sell me a ball!
MC: Hmm, let's think about this shall we? A blue fuzzy ball, eh? Well, chances are, it's sticky.
MK: Sticky? That doesn't sound all that nice.
MC: No. Now, you remember what happened to our friend Bernhard when a Grunt hit HIM with a blue fuzzy ball?
MK: Ahhhhh. Yes, I remember. I should have known.
Durandal: I'm getting messages...
Cortana: Me too! The Monitor...
Durandal: ...reports that...
Cortana: Shut up Durandal! I'm talking! Reports that he is under...
Durandal: Bitch! I wanna talk! He's under attack...
Cortana: BY COVENANT!
Durandal: BY PFHOR!
Cortana: By Pfhor?
Durandal: By Covenant?
Cortana and Durandal: They're allied?!
MC: Right. So you want us to save him.
Cortana: Well, seeing as you're offering...
MK: Come on man, let's go.
MC and MK board a Pelican and fly down to Halo. They battle their way through seemingly endless legions of Pfhor and Covenant, and eventually arrive at the control room, where they fortify themselves and fight off wave after wave after wave of enemies.
MC: Christ, there's a few of them.
MK: Yeah... hey nice shot man!
MC: Thanks! I thought that last grenade of yours was pretty well done, by the way.
MK: Well thank you. That's very kind, seeing as we're both bred for battle. The two cyborgs grow bored of defending, and go on the offensive. They charge out of their fortifications like enraged titans, spraying Grunts, Brutes, Hunters, Elites and Jackals alike with a withering hail of gunfire. The Covenant crumple and fold before the sheer fury of their assault, revealing a large line of Pfhor behind them. The Troopers return fire, only to stare in dismay as the Chief's shields absorb a grenade's blast, and he uses the force of it to backflip behind a Hunter and destroy it with a single melee attack. The MK takes advantage of the distraction to switch to his TOZT-7 flamethrower, and sets light to the Pfhor. The few survivors are forced to fall back under heavy fire, and less than 10 make it out of the room alive, only to be picked off by the Chief's sniper rifle.
MC: Hey, that's the last of them! We did it! Now, where's that HALO brand beer?
Monitor: I've got it right here. I suppose seeing as you saved me I can let you have some...
MK and MC grab the monitor by one side of his casing each, and HEAVE him out of the control room. Monitor is completely unable to control himself with that kind of velocity, and flies across the diameter of the Halo, smashing into the sea on the other side.
MK: Heh.
MC: Never liked that freaky little blue spark anyway. Ah, here's the beer. On radio: Foe Hammer, we've located the beer and require extraction. We've got at least two pallets of HALO beer here, so you'll want to clear everything out of the Pelican.
Foe Hammer: Understood. We're on our way.
MK: You know, there's a lot more than two pallets of this stuff here.
MC: Really? I don't see any.
MK: Uh, it's right there, and its going to take a lot more than one Pelican to transport all this, why'd you tell them there was only two pallets?
MC: By the time Foe Hammer gets here, there WILL only be two pallets.
MK: Huh? OH! You're my kind of guy.
Around 45 minutes later, Foe Hammer arrives to find two extremely drunk cyborgs and the promised pallets of HALO brand beer. They stagger aboard, bringing the beer with them, and collapse into seats. Echo 419 takes off and returns to the Pillar of Autumn. A massive party is held to celebrate the reclamation of the beer.
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