They're Random, Baby!

Fan Fiction

Cupcakes are Delicious
Posted By: JordanBBad<jordanbbad@gmail.com>
Date: 3 August 2009, 11:21 pm

Read/Post Comments

Cupcakes are Delicious

By JordanBBad

~ ~ ~

The Sangheili sat on a stool - 'Bdasree was his name - under the order to wait for his good war-mate to return from the mess hall. He was crossing his arms, reflecting on his past. The humans who passed him were instinctively cautious in his presence; he didn't blame them. He has slaughtered many of them with his honorary blade, and has seen his brethren shot down by the demon. With the Great Schism, though, the predator and prey were suddenly allied together; one would be dull to think they would just get along that fast. But he is proud to be sided with these troops; never has he seen so much courage and honor in anyone since he was back home in Sanghelios. There was little doubt that the combined forces would take down the San 'Shyuum and their Covenant of cowards and liars. Long did he wish that he could execute the Prophets with his own blazing sword... It was unlikely that he'd even be alive to see their corpses.

The warrior's thoughts were interrupted, though, as he hungered for food. His human acquaintance had promised him "a treat that no one can't not like." It has been a human hour since then, causing 'Bdasree to wonder if he was abandoned; it was just so like the Corporal to do something like that. People have said about him that he "fucks with other people's minds just to have a laugh or two."

After a while, Corporal Raye finally came back to his alien friend with a delicacy in his human hands.

"Here it is! The line was slow, but it was worth it!"

The Elite put a hand to his forehead. "You test my patience only to present me this foul smelled dung?"

Raye laughed. "If this was a 'foul smelled dung', I'd be proud to call myself a shit-eater!

"But seriously, this thing here is what we humans like to call a 'cupcake'. Now, I don't know what you or your people enjoy eating, but I can guarantee you this will be much, much, better."

"Better than the Sanguini Worms of my home state of Bdasr? Ha! You lie to me!"

"'Ey, but it's no lie. You see, because it's manmade, it's been tailored and customized to taste incredible to the tongue of man, much more than the naturally made worm of yours.

"Once the cook gains the proper ingredients, he makes sure each of it will be used to its full extent. He mixes flour with butter, for a slick, smooth taste; sugar, an awesome, addictive, sweet powder that nothing can be considered a tasty dessert without; and the eggs of a farm chicken, a common, lovely ingredient in most breads; and that is just the base of it.

"He then injects it with a mixture of the melted beans of the ever so delicate cocoa tree, and the milk of a cow; the fudge chocolate is a favorite of many. And to finish it, the cook then tops it with the signature flavored icing and colorful sprinkles that makes a cupcake, a cupcake.

"Once you begin to eat it, though, is the best part of it all. Just taking a bite will cause you to moan in pleasure. The way the icing feels when you swish it around in your mouth; the taste of the bread when your tongue first makes contact with it; the sensational feel of the brown fudge flooding through your teeth when you make that first bite into the cake; your amusement when you realize you forgot to remove the paper liner, after you swallow it; it's all just a big, incredible orgy in your mouth, all in every bite..."

'Bdasree was almost drooling at the thought of it. Oh, has it been long since I've had an experience like that...

"...So how 'bout it? Wanna try?"

The Sangheili shook out of his trance.

"It seems you won't leave me alone unless I agree to eat that wretched pile of excrement, so I suppose I have no choice."

He took the cupcake from the human's hand. He braced for the worst, closed his eyes, threw it in his mouth, and...

It fell to his lap.


Corporal Raye was rolling on the floor, laughing at the top of his lungs. 'Bdasree was not amused.

It was then the Elite began to question the very purpose of his own life. He ended it two human days later.

~ ~ ~