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It's All Grunty Fun and Games...
Posted By: JordanBBad<jordanbbad@gmail.com>
Date: 28 July 2009, 4:21 am

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It's All Grunty Fun and Games...

by JordanBBad

~ ~ ~

The armored warrior lay limp on the soil. The squad roared and squealed in triumph. The demon was dead! With the monstrous obstacle neutralized, the Prophet's teachings should now go on with ease; the Great Journey is creeping ever closer, and soon the faithful shall transcend unto their thrones amongst the Gods that preceded them!

After most of the cries of accomplishment had died down, a little Unggoy of Major rank reluctantly came up to the squad leader, a Captain Major Jiralhanae, still pounding his chest to the heavens. Mamop bowed low to the ground, daring not to look into the deathly eyes of his superior.

"M-My most excellent and much higher leader sir, I...I am most pleased to have served as your lower squad member. You have... m-m-my humblest gratitude..."

Gaius looked down on the little rat and chuckled in what seemed like pity when he realized his motive.

"Get up, you vermin. You and your filthy brethren have indeed proven yourself, so you may do with the demon's equipment as you please." Mamop looked up in shock. "Th-Th-Thank you, higher one!"

"But if I see even one scratch on its flesh, I shall make you feed upon your own innards!"

The grunt jumped in fear. "I...uh...of-of course, sire!" As the Unggoy ran off to the others, the Captain folded his arms and continued to look to the sky, predicting the Higher Prophet's reaction once he lays eyes on the enemy's pale head; even the mere thought of it placed him in pure ecstasy.

"He said yes! He said yes!!" Mamop waddled towards the other three surviving Unggoy, who were already crowded around the gun-metal-green corpse. As soon as they heard him, they all started fighting over most valued part of the armor: the helmet. After much debate though, it was decided that Kimsak should have it since, as a Heavy, his green armor was the most like the human's armor.

It was a tight fit with his breathing apparatus in the way, and Kimsak fell many times at the buckling weight of it, but, with the others' help, he eventually managed to hold himself up.

"Grr! I'm the demon! I'ma eat your flesh now, 'cause I'm a big, insensitive jerk!" said Kimsak in his deepest voice, trying to imitate the demon. They all laughed at his accurate impersonation. An orange-armored Wiyab played along. "And I'm his ugly, stupid best friend, the Ar-bitch-er! Wort wort wort!!" he mocked, using his fingers to represent mandibles. They all laughed even harder.

They were playing around for about an hour when the squad rookie, Bibib, came out through the trees and interrupted their game. "Guys, guys! Come with me; I found something we can all play with!"

The group agreed and followed their underling. At their destination, they found Bibib's discovery. It was a human vehicle, something their enemies called the "Warthog". It was flipped over and had some signature plasma burns; was this the vehicle the demon came in with? Not worrying of its origins, the squad all used their combined grunty strength and pushed the primitive vehicle upright. They were going to have so much fun with this...

Everyone agreed to have Kimsak as the driver, as he not only has experience driving vehicles, but also has the green helmet. Mamop called shotgun, wielding a "Battle Rifle" that he took from the demon himself. Wiyab and Bibib both took the turret, with Wiyab sitting on the rookie's shoulders. "All right; let's go!" The demon's impersonator, using rocks strapped to his hooves, then reached for the gas, and they were off.

They have never had so much fun in their lives! They cruised and maneuvered around trees and boulders, cheering in glee at the feeling of wind across their scaly scalps. Wiyab squeezed the trigger, shooting at the winged creatures typically found on the Holy Rings, and pumping his fist when his target explodes. They jumped all of the hills they came across; the impact upon landing threatened to throw the Unggoy off, which only added to the excitement!

But fun quickly turned into panic. While cruising along, something ran under the vehicle, shaking the grunts violently. They all squealed.

"What did we hit?!" Wiyab cried.

"Hold on, I'll check it out," Mamop said.

As he walked towards the back of the jeep, he saw what they had hit and instantly grew pale. It was the stripped demon, with tracks along his face and torso. His skull was crushed.

Mamop was hurting; he tried to scream, but all that came out was a whimper. He remembered Captain Major Gaius' words: But if I see even one scratch on its flesh, I shall make you feed upon your own innards!

"So... what is it?" Bibib wondered. Mamop was incapable of answering; he just stood there, trembling.

Wiyab grew impatient. "...C'mon, tell us, Mamo--"

"WE RAN OVER THE DEMON!!" Mamop finally let out.

The others were confused. The panicked Unggoy explained, "The leader told me if we messed with the demon's body, he'd--"

"What is this?!"

Gaius came out from the trees with a blade in hand, probably getting ready to take the demon's head as a prize. All of the grunts let out a squeal.

"Oh...h-h-h-higher one!... A-About the demo--"

"You pea-minded little whelp! How dare you touch my prize! I shall rip out your heart and use it as seasoning!"

He picked up the coward in red armor by the neck. Mamop struggled, trying to explain what had happened to the blood-thirsty Jiralhanae, but his throat was being crushed.

The others cowered at the thought of what he might become of them. Kimsak was trembling. What was he supposed to do...?

Suddenly, the Heavy ranked soldier put the vehicle in reverse. Before he could react, Gaius was crushed under the wheels; he threw Mamop away from him. Silence followed the brute's death, the only sound being the vehicle's engine.

Shaking off what just happened, they climbed out the "Warthog" and helped Mamop up. He was choking and coughing, unable to breath; that was soon treated by readjusting his breather.

"Are you okay, Mamop?" Kimsak asked.

"Why... did you... kill the leader??!"

"I-I'm sorry! But there was a lady in my head; she told me if I didn't kill him, she'd blow my head up!"

"...What??! You killed him because a voice in your head told you?! What is your problem?! Now everyone is going to go after us! We're wanted men, Kimsak!"

Wiyab grabbed Mamop and slapped him. "Get a hold of yourself! Besides, I may have an idea to get us out of this mess!"

~ ~ ~

A phantom dropped down where the demon was said to be slain; the Prophet of Truth insisted to seeing the demon's corpse with his own eyes. As informed, a grunt squad was waiting there, but an on-board Chieftain noticed something odd: the Jiralhanae leader was limp, being carried by four lesser Unggoy along with the demon's body. Even weirder, one of the vermin had the demon's helmet on.

The phantom pulled the squad up into it. As soon as they set foot on the craft, two Minor Jiralhanae grabbed the demon off of them and put it in a protective casing. The group placed the dead Captain down and gasped a sigh of relief. Before they could rest, the Chieftain spoke up. "What is wrong with your leader, lower ones?"

The Unggoy became nervous, but Wiyab answered. "Oh, him? Well... he's just resting. I mean, it's been a long day, with the scouting, and the patrolling, and the demon slaying..."

"So the one who has slain the demon is lazier than that of an Unggoy?"

"Oh, no! Of course not! In fact, he has been wide awake for weeks now, and vowed not to rest his eyes until the demon is taken out! A real trooper, our leader is..."

"Then I shall wake him. I have important matters for--"

"Woah, woah, wait! Let's not get ahead of ourself here, now! The higher one has specifically told me not to wake him until he is face-to-face with the Higher Prophet. Plus, we made a promise; he took rounds of damage, yet he stood before us as a hero!"

The Chieftain made a grim chuckle. "You are trembling."

Mamop took over. "Oh, are we? Hehehe... heh... well, you're a chieftain, right? We're usually kicked around by the Jiralhanae, as we are much lower. But we are grateful to serve you, no matter what."

The chuckle turned into full laughter. "You are most definitely hiding something, but as you have helped in lifting a great burden for the Covenant as a whole, we shall wait until we make it to High Charity to skin you alive."

The squad knew the plan has already failed, but they kept their facades as to not change his mind.

"At ease, you whelps."

~ ~ ~

There was nothing they could do to avoid it. They were in the waiting hall for their meet with High Council, and already the stench of death engulfed Gaius. They panicked. Bibib, though, has already lost it.

"So... this is it!... We're dead! Hahaha! There's no reason to avoid it now, we're just going to have to accept it! Me... ohoohoo, I can't wait until they kill me! Slowly and painfully... Hahahahahahaha!!!"

The only sane ones left were Mamop and Wiyab. Kimsak, though, has not spoken or taken the helmet off since he took a long walk after the Captain Major's death; he just sat down, as if in a trance.

Mamop whimpered. "We have to think of something, Wiyab! I don't want to die as a hero killer!"

Wiyab punched the Major in the face. "Can't you see Mamop?! You're dead! I'm dead! We're all going to die, and there's nothing we can do!!"

"Yes... Yes there is..."

Mamop and Wiyab were startled to find the Heavy has spoken up.

"How, Kimsak?! Are you going to ram into everybody because that stupid lady in your head tells you to?!"

"Her name is Cortana... and she's far from stupid... because she gave me something..."

Before they could react, a Guard spoke to them over the intercom. "Jiralhanae Lance of Captain Major Gaius, the Higher Prophet awaits your appearance before the High Council."

"This is it... We're dead..."

"No! We have to do something!!"

"Hell... I'm coming for you... accept me in open arms! Hahahaha!!"

They waddled, side-by-side, towards the Council Chamber. Each step brought them closer to death. The only one walking with his head high was Kimsak, who still kept the demon's helmet on his head. What's on his mind? What is this thing he was talking about? Who is Cortana? Mamop wanted to know, but he only had a moment before...

The doors opened. Inside were hundreds of Councilors and Honor Guards, and between them, the Higher Prophet of Truth.

The lance walked forward, trembling, panicked, full of fear. After what seemed like a walk across a whole planet, they made it to the pedestal. They all stepped upon it, and slowly the platform rose, bringing them even closer to the face of the Covenant. If they were in another situation, they would have cheered, squealed, and groveled to their savior; however, their savior is the one that will execute them, so all of their faith towards him vanishes. He spoke.

"Where is your leader, Gaius?"

No Unggoy would bring themselves out straight; they looked down and said nothing. The silence was long, and the Prophet's face showed his impatience.


Mamop brought himself forward. "Oh, g-g-great and powerful Hierarch... our leader is--"

"Gaius is dead."

The Unggoy looked at Kimsak in disbelief. The Council began murmuring amongst each other. Kimsak continued.

"I killed him."

Mamop couldn't believe it! There's no way Kimsak would talk like that to a superior! Unless... the lady...

Murmurs became yells as the Council members were already wishing for the Unggoys' deaths. Truth demanded silence, and silence they gave him. After a pause, the San 'Shyuum ruler chuckled softly.

"You wear the demon well, Unggoy. I must ask for your name."

Wiyab tried speaking for him. "I am terribly sorry for Kimsak's rudeness, Great One. He's been not himself lately..."

"My comrade is wrong. My body is indeed that of whom you call Kimsak, but I, the speaker, am Cortana."

The Prophet's smile flashed to a frown. The Council grew even louder. The demon's companion? There's no way! Cortana signaled to the Prophet to silence them, and he did. She spoke again.

"I have brought a present for you, Truth." Kimsak opened the back of his breathing apparatus. Methane quickly began escaping, and from the blue clouds came a spheroidal object. Kimsak picked it up and showed it to the Prophet. Cortana spoke.

"This... is a Fury Tactical Nuclear Weapon. It's yield is about a megaton, and can wipe clean in a 1.2 kilometer area. It's armed."

"Kill him!!"

The Honor Guard ran towards the Unggoy. Kimsak's lance mates looked at him in total shock and confusion. They didn't know whether he was saving them or betraying them. The platform lowered to the Guards' reach. Cortana said her final words to Truth: "Happy Birthday."

They forced a spear through Kimsak. He was stabbed multiple times before he passed. They did the same to Mamop, Wiyab, and Bibib. They fell limp under the Jiralhanae. Council members tried to run, but it was useless. The Prophet of Truth grabbed his temples. How could I lose?! I am a god! The God!! I must undergo the Great Journey! To transcend unto the Forerunners!! I! Am! Truth!!!

The shockwave reached the Sanctum of the Hierarchs, the Mausoleum of the Arbiter, and everything in between. The Covenant has been crushed. High Charity became uninhabitable.

All of this is because the Unggoy had too much fun.