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Harold's: Scotch Rocks and Irish Coffee
Posted By: A Halo Fan...natic<mikeandrewp@gmail.com>
Date: 27 October 2007, 7:08 pm
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Scotch Rocks
"Hey Harold."
"Hey James. Glad to see ya' again - where have you been?"
"Oh, round and about. I had to go up to Tycho Base for psychological evaluation. Thank God they don't think I'm fit for a soldier."
"Amen to that. What'd'ya want?"
"Scotch rocks, please."
"Comin' right up. I was always more of a bourbon man myself."
"I used to be as well, 'till I went to Kentucky, and whoo, the stuff they make there can peel paint."
"Hah, I know it. Here you are."
"Thanks."
"Glad to hear you didn't get picked for conscription - you're one of my best customers."
"Hah, we've known each other for five years and I'm still just a 'customer?'"
"Tut tut, you know I can't let friendship interfere with business."
"Yeah, I know, you gave me that speech before. Say, you hear about the Fomalhaut thing?"
"Yeah, apparently it was just one big clusterfuck, sixty percent casualties."
"Ouch. I didn't know it was that bad."
"Well, the UN ain't exactly advertising it, but as a bartender, well, I've got contacts, ya' know?"
"Hah, you mean old Scotty? He ain't been in the 'Holy Office' for ten years, what's he gonna know about it?"
"Maybe you're right, but he generally seems to know what he's talking about."
"Hey, 'you wanna trust a washed-up, drunken sod of a spook, that's fine by me, but I ain't takin' it as gospel. Besides, he soaks up good liquor like it were cheap beer. I'm pretty sure that's illegal, ain't it?"
"I told you, he's got contacts…"
"Hah!"
"Anyways, whether Scotty is reliable or not, Fomalhaut most certainly did not go off well. You can tell just from looking at the Admiral's face on Tri-Dee."
"Yeah, even my old lady thought he was actin' kinda fishy."
"Speaking of which, how are things at home?"
"Oh, alright. The wife's been a bit upset with me since I haven't had time for her lately, but she'll get over it."
"You'd think she'd realize that you can't spend time with her, with your work and all."
"Hah, well, Satan will get frostbite before us men start understanding women, so we might as well live with it, eh?"
"Right on."
"Hey, 'you seen some of those new spaceships they're building out by the Moon?"
"Haven't had the chance to."
"Well, I have. We passed one on our trajectory out to Tycho. Big mothers, they are."
"What tonnage?"
"Easily twice the Admiral's flag."
"Bullshit."
"No, I kid you not. Those things make the Panthers look like a joke."
"Well, I hope they help us out in the war."
"They'd better - we're paying for 'em."
"Hey, speaking of that, how is the UN paying for all this? Taxes haven't been raised more than two percent."
"Beats me. Economics might as well be tensor calculus for all I know about it."
"Well, tensor calculus ain't that bad once you-"
"Hey, woah, where did you learn that shit?"
"As a bartender, I've gotta know these things…"
"Bull. Where did you really learn it?"
"I went to college to be an engineer, remember?"
"I thought you washed out."
"I did, but not before three semesters of calculus. It's not that bad, really, and the quanters certainly help a lot."
"Never got a chance to work one of those things. Don't they fill up most of a room?"
"Yeah. Lemme tell you how to work 'em-"
"No thanks. My laptop is enough of a pain as it is - thinking about mainframes gives me a headache."
"Hah, yeah, well, in any case, I'm confident that whatever the government's doing, it's doing it right. We've had wars before, so this shouldn't be too tough either. We'll do alright."
"Amen. Gimme another shot, I'm thirsty tonight."
Irish Coffee
"Hey James, how's the weather?"
"Freezing. We lost our heat last night. Gimme an Irish Coffee"
"Workin' on it. Really?"
"Yeah. 'War time confiscation', or some bullshit like that. What the hell right have they got taking our heating oil?"
"Kerosene is pretty important to the armed forces. We can't have our troops getting frostbite, now can we?"
"I suppose not, but it ain't right! I mean, they're letting you keep your heat."
"Actually, I lost it last week."
"What!?"
"Look over at the fireplace."
"Jesus, that thing still works?"
"I wasn't sure it would, either, but once I got the flue open it worked like a charm."
"What's a flue?"
"Ah, nothing. Here's your coffee."
"Thanks. Mmm, this is great. Where do you get your beans?"
"Classified."
"Hah, that and half this planet! Do you know, I tried to log into the Federal Exchange's database last night to see how our stock is doing, and you know what it said to me?"
"What?"
"'This information is classified and requires a level three security clearance.' Can you believe that?"
"Yes, I can. I tried to look up how much the UN is going to tax alcohol this quarter and I got a similar message."
"Jesus! It ain't right, I tell you."
"Tell that to the Holy Office."
"No thanks, I'd rather keep my brain intact, thank you very much."
"Here, here."
"Did you hear that the UN is thinking of confiscating cars?"
"Yes I did, but I'm not sure what to think of it."
"If they do that, I'm standing up for my rights. They can't confiscate personal property like that!"
"Yes, they can."
"Huh?"
"They have the power. They've had the power for a long time."
"Bullshit! It's in the charter, they can't take private property away like that, it's-"
"Listen! They may not have the legal, de jure right, but they have a perfectly good de facto right to do it. It's technically illegal, but is anyone going to oppose them? No. Therefore, they can do whatever they want."
"Well, there's always civil disobedience."
"Yeah, then you get a knock on your door in the middle of the night. No thanks."
"I suppose you're right…"
"And not only that, if any region did revolt, the UN can just cut their utilities."
"They can do that?"
"Sure. Ever heard of a water monopoly empire?"
"No."
"Well, a water monopoly empire forms when a small group of people, either the government or the plutocrats, control the general publics' access to fresh water or other necessities."
"Go on."
"The people are afraid to revolt, because they won't be able to live without water, and the government gradually takes more and more control over the peoples' lives."
"Sounds like a book I had to read in high school, what was it, ah, Nineteen Eighty-something?"
"Nineteen Eighty Four, yeah. Kinda like that. But anyways, water monopoly empires were all over in ancient times. Dynastic China, the European Monarchs, the Aztecs, then later the Warsaw Pact and Western Africa."
"And you're saying we're one now?"
"Not quite, but getting pretty close to one."
"Oh, come on, quit pulling my leg!"
"I'm not! I'm dead serious. Ever heard of the two-province system?"
"No. Is it like the water monopoly empire?"
"Kind of. It's a tactic used by them. Let's say you have two provinces, A and B. There's a famine, or a drought, or a war. Province A has a record of cheating on its taxes, so the ruler sends all of Province A's food or water or soldiers to Province B. You get one province that's strongly loyal, and one that no longer exists. Divide and conquer."
"Jesus… You're not saying the UN would do that to us if we misbehaved?"
"I'm not saying that they would, but they might. They most definitely might."
"God damn, Harold, now you've given me chills all over again. Gimme another coffee."
"Sure thing. Comin' right up."
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