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The adventures of Mate-rik (a parody) Introduction "The Covenant have freed Captain Locks and are having a party with him on the Lies and Disagreement, the ship I repaired before we boarded the Killer of Bottom. We must go join them!" said Whoretana. "But the only way to get in the ship is to sprout wings and fly into it." Chapter ! The Mater Chief boarded The Lies and Disagreement with his marines. A half dozen commander Jackals immediately attacked him and his group. The Mater Chief killed all of them, then killed the Elites and Hunters. He relaxed slightly, but a door opened and two Grunts came out. After he killed them, he thought he saw the hint of a shadow moving around but decided it was nothing. What he didn't know was that the shadow was a rebel stealth Elite named Mate-rik that was jailed for perversion. He had his camouflage chip taken away, and was guarded by two Grunts. When the Grunts waddled out, he was able to hide and get his camouflage chip back. He noticed that the Mater Chief was tired and could not go much further without getting killed, so because he owed his freedom to the Mater Chief, he picked up a needler, a plasma rifle, some grenades, and tagged along. Whenever the Mater Chief retreated to let his shields recharge, Mate-rik killed a few Covenant. He also managed to get teleported with him, and got into the other banshee to go to the Killer of Bottom. When the Mater Chief drove down the dorsal section of the Killer of Bottom, Mate-rik climbed into the passenger seat. He got on board the Shortsword a few seconds before it launched, and decided that this was a good time to reveal himself to the Mater Chief. After the Mater Chief had watched Halo explode, Mate-rik took out his chip and the Mater Chief saw him for the first time. After many years in combat, his instinct was to mate first, ask questions later. But before he could do anything, Mate-rik had taken off his clothes and put them on the floor. Then the Mater Chief had two "pistols" leveled at Mate-rik's butt. "Hehehehe!" the Mater Chief said. "Hello you big hunk of an Elite!" "I am Mate-rik," Mate-rik said, "I am the invisible ally you have had since you freed me from my jail. You killed the Grunt guards and let me free. Now I must repay you by OOOH! AAAAH!" "Hey, stop doing my job!" Whoretana said, "I picked up a message on the Covenant Battle Net saying that a dangerous pervert called Mate-rik had escaped from a make shift jail." "Well, okay." Said the Mater Chief and put down his "guns". Just then, a dull red ball crawled past the Shortsword. "That must be the Motiner," said the Mater Chief. "I'm glad that he's here. Now we can trade things with each other." The Motiner came on board the Shortsword and claimed that he wanted something that the Mater Chief had. "The index?" asked the Mater Chief. "No, of course not silly, I want some AA batteries. My evil brother wants the index," said the Motiner. "Then give him this video game," said the Mater Chief, "it's called 'The Index'" "Oh, good. He'll be really pleased. Now, I'll give you two things." "How about some gas for the Shortsword, and a trained grunt to pick up our mess." "Done!" A grunt and a two hundred-gallon container of gas appeared. "Huh? What? Who? Duh!" said the grunt. "I think I will name you Idiot," said Mate-ric. "It's not my fault I'm stupid!" said Idiot. "Shut up and clean up our candy wrappers and beer cans!" said Mater Chief. "That was a good trick you played on the Motiner," said Whoretana. "Giving him a game that is for PS2 only while we are in an XBOX game!" "Heh, heh," said the Mater Chief. The adventures of Mate-rik (part 2) "Huh?" said Idiot "Shoot it," said Mater Chief "OK!" said Idiot and he shot the beer can out of the Mater Chief's hand. "Not the beer can, idiot Idiot, the ship flood outside!" said the Mater Chief. "Duh, OK," said Idiot "Flood? Where? Who? AAAAAAHHH!" Then he shot it. A .22 caliber bullet crawled through space due to the fact that Idiot had no .22 gun, so he threw the bullet at the flood. The bullet bounced off, but the ship exploded. "Sure don't make 'em like they used to!" said Mate-rik All of a sudden, 500 flood in space suits came rushing out of the ship form at the Shortsword. 446 of them completely missed the Shortsword, but the remaining 54 attacked the ship. Unfortunately for the flood, when they tried to swipe the Shortsword, the spacesuits ruptured, and the flood died. "Oh, jolly good shot," said Idiot "Since when have you been British?" asked Mate-rik? "Since I drank this jolly good tea!" he replied. "Just don't drink the stuff in the green carton," said the Mater Chief. "You mean this stuff?" asked Idiot. "Jolly good stuff, mate!" "Oh great. Now that he drank tea and kangaroo milk he's a British Australian!" said Mate-rik. "The only way to get him back to normal is to give him cow milk, soda pop, then a food nipple," said the Mater Chief. "Did someone say FOOD NIPPLE!?!?!?" asked Idiot, forgetting for the moment to be British Australian. "As a matter of fact I did," said the Mater Chief. "But we'll have to go to Food Nipples 'R' us, then American drink central." "OBOYOBOYOBOYOBOYOBOYOBOYOBOY!" screamed Idiot. "FOOD NIPPLE!" "Dude, don't have a breakdown," said Whoretana. "Hey, I thought I told you to keep out of the virtual pot!" said the Mater Chief. "Sorry." "Warning, I am receiving a message!" said Mate-rik. "'Warning, 3000 food nipples on collision course'!" "FOOD NIPPLE!!!" screamed Idiot seconds before he had a minor heart attack. "Hey, the Motiner gave us a defective grunt!" said Mate-rik. "Maybe if we all say you-know-what, then he'll got up!" suggested the Mater Chief. "Okay, 1, 2, 3, GET UP OR WE'RE GOING TO KILL YOU!!!" everyone screamed. "Okay, okay, I'm up!" said Idiot. "Hey, the Australian British stuff wore off!" "Yep, you got so freaked out that it all burned off," said the Mater Chief. "BURNED OFF?" asked Idiot. "AAAAHHHHHHHHH! I'm being covered with flames!" "I think that you are right in saying that we got a defective grunt," said the Mater Chief. "Maybe if we feed him something, he will stop hallucinating," said the Mater Chief. "Well, I am a little bit hungry," said Idiot. "Well, here is a favorite elite snack: fried brain," said Mate-rik. "Wh-what kind of brain?" asked Idiot. "Is it grunt?" "Nope, it's Jackal" he replied. "Jackals always made us mad, pretending they were boss." "Here is a favorite human food, a hamburger," said the Mater Chief "FOOD NIPPLE!!!!!!!!!" said Idiot. And so the mystery of what a FOOD NIPPLE was was solved. "YUM, YUM!" said Idiot. " |
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