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The March of the N00bs by Wado
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The March of the N00bs - Part 1
Date: 2 November 2003, 10:13 PM
Note: You might think the names in this story reflect people you know but I swear I made the whole thing up. I really don't know what you are talking about.
The March of the N00bs - Part 1
"In my wildest dreams I still would never imagine the events of the day. Somehow it all transpired... What you don't believe me?"
"You have to admit KP, the whole thing is a bit unbelievable. Come on, death from above, an army of n00bs, the cutting you off at the knees -- It's all just way too grand to be true."
KP looked back at the tall, noble king. Then in a hop and bop the lower parts of his legs fell off. They were nothing but stilts.
"Whaaaat? KP your legs, what happened to your legs?" stuttered the king.
"I told you already, my gracious King Louis, but I'll tell you again..." replied KP. "It started small, like everything, it started small..."
In a meadow called Timberland, Michael M. gasped in awe. "Wow you really are getting your ass kicked," he said in disbelief. "Are you new around here?"
"Err... no maybe it's the lag. Say they call be Wado, the master blaster, the dander blammer. What's your name?" replied Wado while shooting needlers in the air.
"Hey watch it, will you. That almost hit me. Oh and my name is Michael M." replied Michael M. with a hint of caution.
"Oh just keeping you on your toes soldier, besides the needles won't track you if you are a friend, that's how I know you are on my team," snidely remarked Wado.
"But don't the red dots on the scanner show enemies and the white dots show friends?" commented Michael M.
"Oh yeah, really. Oh that would explain... and all this time I thought they were just TK'rs... oh never mind. What are you in for, anyway?" asked Wado.
"Well I was on this forum and I annoyed some people and then I mocked someone I didn't know anything about and now I'm stuck here," answered Michael M. while rubbing his head, "and that hammer they hit me with really hurts."
"That's nice, oh what? GAME CLOSED DOWN. errrr," muttered Wado. "Hey come with me Michael M. I'll show you a place just over that hill."
"Well as long as it doesn't take too long, my mom says I have to be in bed by ten."
"No worries, we're already here. The wonders of the internet," said Wado. "So this place is called Bungie Hill and isn't it beautiful?"
"No it looks a mess, fires, broken keyboards and dead mice," replied Michael M.
"What the..." Wado couldn't believe his eyes, the once beautiful land was filled with smoke and signs of a battle, a massive battle. Amongst the carnage, one moving figure lay near him. It looked like KP. Wado moved to him. "KP, what happened, oh my, your legs, they have been cut off." Wado looked around and with the help of Michael M. found a pair of legs with no body attached. Wado reattached the legs to KP.
"Thanks, I can walk again, wait these aren't my legs," remarked KP, "but no time for this, we were attacked by the forces of N00btopia. They came in fast and hard and crushed the forces of the 7th Column in a horrible route."
"N00btopia, cool." said Michael M.
"Shut up Michael M. You can't be serious KP, N00bs defeat the elite 7th Column." questioned Wado.
"I am dead serious Wado," KP replied in a cold chill. "They are somehow united, they move as one, a force to be reckoned with. We need to gather forces and take them out before they can reach the Kingdom of HBO."
"HBO, that's who hit me over the head with that hammer," said Michael M.
"Shut up!" cried KP and Wado in unison.
"Surely N00btopia won't reach HBO. First they would have to march through either the Domain of Subnova and face the Minions of Pallor or route West through Bungie itself and the Marty Army." Wado said with a smirk. "And besides, reinforcements must be on the way."
"Good point Wado," said KP but suddenly he felt the ground below him give way in a fiery fury.
"Here I am to save the day!" said a mysterious stranger. He blasted the legs off of KP.
"Stop it Miguel!" cried KP.
"Oh, is that you KP," stated the stranger who resembled Miguel Chavez. "Sorry with those strange things attached as legs I thought you were a Flood warrior."
"Miguel Chavez, wow," interjected Wado. "When I said there would be reinforcements, I didn't think they would send the M.C."
"Say where are the rest?" added KP.
"Heh, the rest," Miquel looked confused. "You only need the M.C., right?"
"And don't forget me too," said a sexy voice from the bushes.
"Jillybean, is that you?" asked Wado.
"Well yes, you don't expect the M.C. to go anywhere without me, do you?" said Jillybean.
"Jilly, wouldn't that make you Cort..." said Wado.
"Don't say it Wado, I hate that b'tch, she stole my lipstick," instructed Jillybean.
The M.C. looked a bit annoyed saying, "That makes no sense, what would a hologram do with your lipstick?" Then he started to sing, "Jillybean, Is Not My Lover. She's Just A Girl Who Claims That I Am The One. But The Kid Is Not My Son. She Says I Am The One, But The Kid Is Not My Son."
"Err... right," said KP. "It is good to have you here, both of you Jillybean and M.C. but there's nothing much to do. The forces of N00btopia are marching on HBO and it matters not, they will either be crushed by the Minions of Pallor or Marty's Army, and if by any luck they survive that, the Count and the forces of HBO is more than a match for any army of N00bs."
"Maybe not..." said Michael M.
"Oh what is it, Michael M.?" asked Wado. "Oh folks, this is Michael M."
"We've met," said the others.
"Hi guys and, wow, a girl that likes Halo," said Michael M.
"Get to the point, will thou," said Jillybean.
"Well I saw a bunch of N00bs going into a tunnel over by the Halo level, that's the same tunnel that I took to get here from HBO," added Michael M.
"No, that tunnel should be guarded by Finn and mnemesis as it goes through the Halo Story Page through a back door to HBO." said the M.C.
"HSP rocks!" yelled Wado.
"Oh no, I saw Finn and mnemesis heading to the post office earlier with several tons of email, they can't be back already," said Jillybean.
The group started towards the tunnel to get a closer look. "Hey wait," said KP.
"Oh sorry," replied Wado as he attached two sticks to KP to use as legs.
"Sticks, where are my legs?" said KP as he stood up using the sticks for legs.
"Would you like some cheese with your sticks," asked a strange creature from an earshot's distance.
"What are you?" asked Michael M. looking at the creature that looked kind of like a llama only bent.
"bentllama is the name, care for a fart?" said the creature.
"Incoming!" said another voice from below. "Run for it."
"Pancake," said bentllama who then flashed an official Bungie decoder badge.
Everyone was confused. Wado looked down to see where the second voice had come from.
"Hello," said the voice from below. "I'm Shishka and I'm the Lord of the Skies."
"But," muttered Wado, "you're a caterpillar."
"Don't worry, he's with me and we will need him," said bentllama. "He is skilled and is very good at drawing everyone's fire away from the rest of the team."
"No, you're the one that draws everyone's fire," stated Shishka.
"Camper," said bentllama.
"Camper," replied Shishka.
"Sorry to interrupt but we have work to do," said Jillybean.
"Yes, right, no problem," said Shiska. "I'll just call up mnemesis on his cell phone and give him the warning, then HBO will be safe." Ring went the phone to the tune of the Ride of the Valkyries. "Strange, mnemesis doesn't seem to be answering his phone."
"There's no time for this, we have to activate the HSP's defenses," insisted the M.C.
"Oh really," said Jillybean, "and if you don't stop making me sound like Cortana I'm going to kill you off in my next story, Wado."
"Hey look," said Shishka while looking over the hill. The group dropped everything to take a look.
"Ouch," said Michael M.
"What is it?" said a few in unison.
"I dropped my framed picture of Pallor on my foot, you said drop everything," replied Michael M.
"I'll get you for that, Michael M." said a voice that sounded a lot like Ross Mills.
"Did you hear something?" asked Jillybean.
"Oh that's Ross, he's always lurking around," said the M.C. "He will come out with his spam cannon if needed but for now leave him be."
The group peered over the hill and all hope bled from them. The tunnel was indeed being used by the forces of N00btopia. They marched in perfect unison, goose-stepping to the clicks of mice. Dazed, blank, sleep-deprived faces and armed with extended keyboards, they numbered in the thousands.
"That tunnel is not a natural formation," said Jillybean. "Oh Wado you are so dead after this..."
"No duh that tunnel made of concrete in the middle of an artificial game map is not a natural formation," replied everyone including Ross from the distance.
"This doesn't look good," said Michael M.
"No it doesn't," said Jillybean, "but I have a plan. All we have to do is pretend we are N00bs and we can waltz right past them. The M.C. and I will go first."
"Something tells me I'm not going to like this," remarked the M.C.
Down the other side of the hill went the M.C. and Jillybean. Out of nowhere came N00b sentries. "Halt, come here. Where are your gamer tags?"
"Let me pass," said the M.C.
"Radical dude, that's like the best costume I've ever seen," said a N00b sentry, "you look just like him. You may pass."
The M.C. moved on with Jillybean close behind. But another N00b stopped her saying, "k3wl it's a grrl that lk Halo."
"That's Cortana dumbass," replied the first N00b sentry.
"I'm not Cortana, why does everyone say that," screamed Jillybean in frustration. "I hate her!"
"Not Cortana?" said the first N00b sentry.
"Err... wait, I can speak l337 sp33k," responded Jillybean.
"Hey Cortana doesn't talk like that, get her!" ordered the N00b sentry and then like trap door spiders on fire dozens of N00btopian warriors appeared from hidden holes. They were dressed in over-clocked battle suits with huge ghetto fans strapped to their backs. There was nothing the M.C. could do as they started to drag Jillybean away screaming. Jillybean wasn't screaming, just to clarify, the N00btopian warriors were because their battle suits were so flaming hot.
Jillybean didn't panic; she calmly put on her dark matrix glasses and uttered three words, "Louis Wu tutu."
"Louis Wu in a pink tutu," chanted the N00bs. They started to laugh and then the first N00b sentry gestured for them to release Jillybean and let her pass. He didn't need to spell out all the words because he had binded the command keys using -console.
Jillybean and the M.C. proceeded on. "Nah, nah!" said Jillybean and then she stuck her tongue out at Wado as they disappeared into the tunnel.
"Gosh, she's good," remarked Wado from behind cover. "Did you guys see that, how the N00bs almost took her away and almost ate her entrails and almost took her prisoner? Alright, who's next?"
"I'm next," said Exogenesis, "and what are you staring at, I've been here the whole time."
"No you haven't," said Wado.
"Okay, okay, you caught me, but please I'll do anything, just put me in the story," begged Exogenesis.
"Anything?" thought Wado, "Okay, you're in. Go, go, go." Then Exogenesis rushed down the hill, he was immediately shot and killed. The N00bs ate his entrails. "I'll be back, there's only so many character models," gasped Exogenesis as the N00bs dragged away his lifeless, dead, rotting, maggot infested, decaying corpse for unspeakable reasons.
"Ha ha, hehe," bellowed another voice from the distance. It was Red Loser. Was he here to save the day, no not this time because he ran away. The N00bs charged his location which made him abandon his station. He sped off into the fog in a yellow warthog.
"Don't you mean yellow..." started Michael M., but Wado cut him off in mid sentence.
"No I don't, there's no such thing as the yellow..." interrupted Wado.
"Hey look!" counter-interrupted Michael M. as he peered towards the N00bs to see that bentllama and Shishka were already going down the hill.
"Kewl!" said the N00b sentries referring to bentllama. "You may pass."
"Oh yuck, I'm smushing that insect," said one of the N00bs while pointing at Shishka.
"Caterpillars aren't insects, dumbass," said another N00b. Insects have six legs. Caterpillars have like a hundred."
"I'm still smushing it," replied the first N00b, but before he could bring his foot down on Shishka there was an awful splat sound. It came from the foot of bentllama as he brought it down full force onto the helpless Shishka.
When bentllama lifted his foot back up, there was no trace of Shishka; he had been thoroughly fragged down to sub-atomic particles. "I can't believe bentllama killed Shishka," muttered Wado.
"Well it's just you, me, Ross behind the bushes, and Michael M.," said KP. "Wado, you and Michael M. should have little problem posing as N00bs, why don't you go next."
"Okay," replied Michael M. and Wado. Wado added, "Hey, what did KP mean by no problem posing as N00bs?" as the two went down the hill.
Immediately Wado was recognized by the N00bs. "Hey that's Wado the master storyteller, let's capture him and eat his brain so we can get all his mojo," said the N00bs.
"Hi-ya!" Wado fought valiantly, "These N00bs can't take me, I'm invincible." Wado climbed into the driver's seat of a warthog and ran seven hundred N00bs down. "It's not Photoshop, damn it, I'm really that good!" Then he rounded a corner into damnation. He looked about; he was in an indoor level, the bane of his Halo existence. Wado grabbed the flag and his teammate hit him from behind with a rocket launcher. "The damn red dot on the scanner teammate always betraying me from behind," cried Wado as the N00bs dragged him off to unspeakable places. In the distance, Jillybean laughed hysterically.
The world went dark and coldness fell. "Hello, hello," cried the voice of KP. Then a small spotlight from above illuminated him. "Hey, who turned out the lights?" he asked.
From above a voice bellowed saying, "There's no one to tell the story anymore, Wado was taken away and put with all the other HBO prisoners that the N00bs took back to N00btopia."
"You don't need Wado, we are all storytellers," replied KP.
"Okay, great, I'll turn the lights back on," bellowed the voice from above.
"Wait a moment please, before you turn the lights back on," requested KP. In the darkness, KP, Michael M., and Ross Mills snuck passed the confused N00b sentries. "Okay, you can turn the lights on now."
"Let there be light," bellowed the voice, "I've always wanted to say that." Then the lights came back on and the group huddled together. There was the M.C., Jillybean, KP, Michael M., Ross Mills, bentllama, and a butterfly. That made seven.
"Who is the butterfly?" asked Michael M.
"It is I Shishka," replied the butterfly. "It says in my FAQ that caterpillars make cocoons. When bentllama's foot was coming down, I quickly created a cocoon. It acted like an over-shield and for a brief moment I was invincible. I was safe from his stomp, but what nearly did me in was when the effects of the cocoon wore off and I was wedged in bentllama's toe cheese. I barely made it out of there."
"Great plan bentllama, saving Shishka from the N00bs by stomping down on him and carrying him away," said Michael M.
"Plan, what plan?" replied bentllama. "Is that camper still around?"
"Hey, the voice from above said that the N00bs had prisoners from HBO that they took back to N00btopia," interjected KP.
"What, you aren't supposed to know that," bellowed the voice from above. "That's out of character knowledge."
"Ha," replied KP.
"Who are you talking to KP?" asked the rest of the group.
"You don't hear that voice from above?" wondered KP.
"No," replied everyone.
"but..." said KP as he questioned his sanity like he does everyday he gets out of bed and looks in the mirror.
"Ha, ha, ha!" laughed everyone. "We really got you KP, come on out 235."
Out from the shadows came a floating blue ball saying, "Greetings, I am 235 Guilty Nick, I'm such a devil. Err... I mean I'm the monitor of HSP."
"I don't get it," interjected Michael M., "if 343 is 7 times 7 times 7, then what is 235?"
"It's called a mathematical series, dumbass," replied 235 Guilty Nick, "because 2, 3, and 5 are the first three prime numbers and 7 comes next."
"Do you even work for HSP?" scolded Jillybean. "And why do you talk like a N00b?"
"Well, no, but how could you know?" replied 235 Guilty Nick. "Heh heh heh, I'm such a devil."
"Whatever, talk to the hand," said Jillybean.
"No wait, Jillybean, I thought you liked me," said 235 Guilty Nick. "Remember I put Louis Wu in a pink tutu in your HBO Halloween story. Oh come on, I can change, I'll be good, just let me join the group. It's not my fault, this Wado guy stuck me in a blue ball and all, I'm really much better in red."
"I don't know," muttered Jillybean.
"Look I have prisoners, I caught these two sneaking into the HSP," begged 235 Guilty Nick as he presented them. One looked a lot like Socrates and the other vaguely like Jamirus99 in a cat suit.
"Nice abs Jamirus99," commented the only female in the group who will remain unnamed, "and why is there only one of us?"
So anyway Sarah shows up from out of nowhere and saying, "Jamirus99, why are you dressed up in a slick black suit?"
"Nothing, just something I found laying around," replied Jamirus99 and then an email fell out of his pocket.
"I knew it," shouted Socrates. "You were trying to sneak your email onto the Halo Story Page, weren't you Jamirus99? I followed you here to keep an eye on you."
"They were going to post it, they just lost it or something," reputed Jamirus99.
"That's not what Finn said," replied Socrates.
"Enough!" commanded the M.C., "Everyone is in, we need all the help we can get. According to our intelligence reports, a large group of HBO'ers have been captured and taken to N00btopia. We need to split up with one group activating the HSP defenses and the other group going to rescue the prisoners. Failure is not an option."
"Right M.C.," said Jillybean. "bentllama, you know too much to go into the HSP so you, Shishka, Ross Mills, Michael M., and KP will go after the prisoners. The M.C., myself, Sarah, 235 GN, Jamirus99, and Socrates will activate the HSP defenses. Good luck to all."
The groups said heartfelt farewells and as time was drawing short, they parted. Michael M. looked at his new comrades; he heard the M.C. and Jillybean laughing in the distance as they walked away. It was at something 235 Guilty Nick said about Wado saying the HSP defenses was a pulse laser that shot out of his anus. Socrates corrected him saying it was a pulse laser shot from Uranus. Jillybean chimed in saying that the HSP defenses didn't kill the N00bs, it educated them. Everyone laughed again.
Michael M.'s group was composed of hardcore Halo veterans. Shishka with his newly sprouted wings was indeed looking the part of the Lord of the Skies. That bentllama was a strange one but he had heart, Michael M. thanked Bungie that bentllama was on his side. Ross looked too young but he had that demeanor of a fighter, someone many times battle hardened through the spam wars, a mighty subnovian warrior he was. And what of KP, the man with sticks for legs, a history of always being on the losing side of every war so it would appear, but nevertheless, he was a survivor, someone who would always rise above it and make a comeback.
Jillybean looked at the M.C. saying, "Did we do the right thing, splitting up with the army of N00bs all around? I mean what other choice did we have?"
"It's too early to tell Jillybean," said the M.C., "This is just the beginning."
...To be continued?
Note: Special thanks to the folks at HBO and Bungie for being such good sports and especially to Jillybean and Michael M. for inspiring me to write this story on the spur of the moment and to Socrates for helping to gather a list of names that I could use in the story. The story got longer than I originally thought so I split it up, so I hope to be able to get many more forum go'ers in part II, well if I get off my lazy butt and finish writing it.
March of the N00bs - Part 2a
Date: 11 November 2003, 12:42 AM
Note: You might think the names in this story reflect people you know but I swear I made the whole thing up. I really don't know what you are talking about.
The March of the N00bs - Part 2a
"M.C. those Fan Fic writers are caught between the Story Page and N00btopian forces invading from the forums," said Jillybean. "They sure could use our help."
"Right," said the M.C. "Sarah, Jamirus99 and Socrates, do what you can to help the Fan Fic writers while Jillybean, 235 GN and I take care of an old friend."
"Sir, yes sir," Sarah, Jamirus99 and Socrates replied as they headed off.
Jillybean drew a heart-shaped arrow in the dirt; then she turned to the M.C. saying, "M.C. I've created a NAV point to guide you to our old friend."
"Err... thanks Jillybean, but I can see the SPAM mortar from here," replied the M.C.
"Oh this is so exciting," commented 235 Guilty Nick, "and by the way M.C., your armor scans as second class, I recommend you downgrade to a lower class."
"You mean there's worse armor than this piece of *bleep* around?" asked the M.C.
"Why yes, Finn and mnemesis got some of Mark's seven armored suits and despite protocol and my constant nagging, they still insisted on making it class 12. I don't know what they will do if they see you in that armor, it might really make them feel impotent."
"Why wouldn't they go for the first class armor?" asked Jillybean, "and are you sure you mean to use the word impotent."
"Beats me why they downgraded? I never did understand the Story Page," replied 235 Guilty Nick, "and I mean impotent like in without power. Louis clarified the term for us all on the HBO forums just the other day."
"Oh, I see," said Jillybean who quickly shut up to dodge the whole conversation and the enviable question of why Louis knew so much about the definition of the word."
"We've got work to do," said the M.C. as he drew forth a huge hammer.
"No don't say it M.C." pleaded Jillybean.
"What? You mean don't say it's M.C. hammer time?" remarked the M.C.
"Ouch, that one hurt," said 235 Guilty Nick.
The M.C. just smiled and twirled the hammer around a few times; then all three of them moved on in the general direction of the N00btopian SPAM mortar.
Not too far away, Sarah, Jamirus99 and Socrates met up with the Fan Fiction writers. They observed one of the writers shouting orders from the gunner's seat of a warthog. He was none other than the great warrior writer GLADIATRRR3000. "Hold the line!" ordered GLADIATRRR3000. "We can't let those N00bs spam the comments section."
"We're writing as fast as we can," replied FrensaGeran, "but some of us are getting writer's block. GLAD, when are the reinforcements from Zenith coming? You can't expect only one group of Fan Fic writers and some faithful readers to hold off an army of N00bs."
"mr_bill left quite a while ago to rally Zenith but I hear most of them have moved on, the old farts that they are," sadly said GLAD. "Tell the writers that we publish or die trying; just do your best to keep up the morale while our glorious leader figures out what to do next."
"And speaking of our glorious leader, where is Elfster?" FrensaGeran wondered.
"How would I know, last I saw him he was running in that direction directly away from the N00bs with a panicked look on his face," stated GLAD as he looked around for Elfster.
"Hey GLAD and Frensa," replied Jamirus99. "This is Sarah and Socrates. We are here to assist you."
"We sure could use help," said FrensaGeran. "The first wave of N00btopians took out many of the old timers. Kellen Squire and Spartan disappeared in a cloud of spam. Sarge, knightmare, el_halo_diablo, Traumatised Marine, Havok, Agent Shade, The Scribe, Gruntkiller, Ishkabibbl, Simpsons Rule, Nike, Glenny, monitor101, Steele, Arthur Wellesly and Arch are missing in action. Berconius, bean, Dispraiser, FOrunnER, Gasmask, and Walker are out there but cut off from our main force. And for the rest of us..." Frensa cut his words short as he noticed a familiar figure approaching.
From the background came Elfster shouting, "Form up the lines, we do the double-pincher attack!"
"Yes sir," the writers typed. Alpha Lance, BlackValkyire, Blue Jaguar went to the left. Blue Jaguar, Jinkaiden-XI, duckfoot, candygnome, cheezex90, CovieKilla, Covenant Member_Killer, and Dirty Commie went to the right. GrimtheReaper, hawk7886, Hikaru 119, HungryCovie, J-117, phoenix89uk, Sargeant B, Stone Code 3:16, The Listener, and xitWOUND117 all charged down the middle.
"Yes, yes, bravo, wort, wort, wort!" shouted Elfster.
"Double what attack?" asked Sarah.
"Double-pincher attack," answered GLADIATRRR3000.
The double-pincher attack was just a fancy term for frontal assault. A surprisingly simple plan and it actually appeared to work because when the Fan Fic writers attacked, the N00btopian center forces folded like pages of origami paper. Things looked promising until the overzealous Fan Fic writers pushed too far. As it turned out the N00btopian center was composed mostly of mercenary N00bs just along for the ride but the sides were heavily reinforced by l33t N00bs and Ub3r N00b h@ck0rs. The sides folded in and in no time the N00btopians had encircled and completely surrounded the writers. The thumps of many heads banging against keyboards thundered across the battlefield.
Elfster in all his days of leadership would never willingly sacrifice his peers to such a fate as death by SPAM. Elfster simply hadn't the time to explain the entire plan, but he had seen the M.C. he knew the only way the M.C. could take out the SPAM mortar was if there was a large enough diversion to keep the N00btopians occupied.
Elfster waited for the sign. Then there was a mighty BLAM heard across the land indicating that the M.C. had succeed in smashing the N00btopian SPAM Mortar. Elfster called up his trump card. Zenith had arrived and they had been kept in reserve. The group of the elite of the elite Fan Fic writers, led by panzer and Vector40, with Banserki, mr_bill, and more charged into battle. Elfster, GLADIATRRR3000, FrensaGeran, Jamirus99, Sarah, and Socrates joined the fray too.
An amazing thought passed across the battlefield at that moment. A story was not just the sum of its parts. A story was more, much more. Ideas and emotions flowed, pictures formed, memories recalled, and all grew silent in awe of the light -- The light of it all. And Vector40 drew forth a pen of light, his writing painfully slow his story awesomely effective. A simple philosophy, but one as foreign as could be to spammers: spend less time creating and more time being creative. All spam then became nothing more than noise and eventually it just cancelled itself out. The signal from the writers remained strong and although some of the writers still tried to produce more and more, most heeded the example and produced less that meant more. Quality over quantity begot communication over spam. This wasn't a fight, this was a war.
After the battle, only the Fan Fic writers remained on the field. Those few straggler N00btopians that tried to remain soon found that they were disconnected from the server, hopefully never to spam here again. A cool breeze capped off the day bringing rise to mist from the heated ground. After which, all writers took a moment of silence to honor those that had fallen, on both sides.
Reality flowed back towards normality and cheers and greeting echoed across the game map. "Is that really you Miguel Chavez, the M.C. in the flesh?" enthusiastically said Elfster as he saw the M.C. approaching.
"Yes it sure is," interjected Jillybean, speaking for the M.C. "So Elfster, what's up?"
"Oh you know, it's Just One Of Those Days," remarked Elfster. "The forces of N00btopia are spamming the comments area and we Fan Fic writers are stuck between the Story Page and the forums. Overall though, I believe we can handle any N00btopians that come our way."
"Don't be a false prophet, Elfster," said panzer who appeared from the battlefield. "We are in serious trouble. I already know you have a mission M.C. and you can't help us, but we need everyone you can spare, including Jillybean, Jamirus99, Socrates and Sarah."
"Hey what about me," chimed in 343 Guilty Nick.
"Ah, no, we need you on a really special mission, here, have a special mission badge," replied panzer. Then panzer turned around and gave Elfster a high-five and Elfster replied, "Sweet one panzer."
"Hold on a moment," said the M.C. "How do you know what my mission is?"
"Um, we read March of the N00bs part 1 and it told us everything," commented Elfster.
"Everything?" replied the M.C.
"Yes everything, even that little problem you have been having M.C.," said Elfster, "but don't feel too bad about it, it can happen to anyone."
Jillybean screamed in horror, "Noooooooooo!"
The M.C., Elfster, and everyone except Jillybean burst out laughing. "Good one Elfster," said the M.C. and everyone except Jillybean gave each other high-fives."
"Hey, that was kind of mean," said Sarah. "How immature, don't you know you could hurt her feelings."
"Umm... we're sorry," replied everyone.
"I am a crushed cupcake," cried Jillybean. "All I ever wanted was for someone to appreciate me, for who I am." A single tear rolled down her cheek. "I am a dramatic writer but until now I never knew why, oh why; oh why are women writers from Sirius and men writers always from Uranus?"
"Oh that's so beautiful," said the M.C. "I almost didn't mind that Uranus was used in yet again in a joke. The story-teller must be running out of ideas."
"Thank you all," said Jillybean as she was announced for an Academy Award nomination for best supporting female writer character in a Fan Fiction written on HBO. "And I especially want to thank my mommy and daddy and all the little people. I could not have done it without you. You are all sweethearts." And then Jillybean kissed Sar..."
"Hold it right there, think of the kids," said Socrates, "or heck with that, think of noble King Louis as he rejects this story as too, well, you know - too stupid to be posted."
"But Madonna and Britney Spears Kissed on the 2003 M.T.V. music awards," replied a voice from nowhere. "Gosh, come to think of it, this would have never happened if Wado was back writing this story, but he got captured and all. Oh well. Okay no kissing stuff, I just am really desperate to get better ratings. It works for beer commercials."
"I have to admit the quality of this story has downgraded since Wado stopped telling it," said Berconius who approached from a thick fog bank that had just rolled in for no other reason than it looked cool for him to come out of it. "What about the rescue of Wado and the other HBO forum members? How is that going?"
"Yeah, Wado is a much better writer than you are mystery story teller," pretty much everyone agreed.
"Okay, I'll get to the rescue of Wado in a moment," said the voice from nowhere, "but first there are some loose ends I need tied up. 235 Guilty Nick, will you and Jillybean do the honors?"
"Certainly," replied 235 Guilty Nick. "To activate the HSP defenses you must first retrieve the debit card M.C., or should I call you Repossessor? The Fan Fic writers can only augment your combat abilities so you will have to get the debit card yourself."
"Is that true," asked the M.C. as he turned to Jillybean.
"Heck if I know, do I look like I work for Bungie Studios?" said Jillybean.
"For the first and last time, WE ARE NOT BUNGIE STUDIOS!" shouted a voice from nowhere. "Now read the script."
"Oh, silly me, right?" replied Jillybean as she looked at the script. "Yes, uh huh, ready, here goes... believe it or not, 235 Guilty Nick is completely correct, in fact not only is he good looking and quite popular with the lady AIs but he is a real stud muffin."
"Stop," commanded the voice from nowhere, "who changed the script? Just skip all that and read what comes next."
"Hehe, I'm such a devil," gloated 235 Guilty Nick.
Jillybean waited until 235 Guilty Nick was done gloating then she spoke saying, "M.C., you and 235 will have to go on alone, the rest of us must stay here and hold out as long as possible. You know that it is only a matter of time before the N00btopians return in force. Our only hope is to delay the N00btopians long enough for you to activate the HSP defenses. Now yank me."
"Yank you, but you are standing right on front of me?" questioned the M.C.
"Just do it," insisted Jillybean. Then the M.C. pretended to pull a chip from his helmet and pretended to put it on the ground where Jillybean was standing. "That's better" replied Jillybean.
"No problem, just stay away from pointy objects while I'm gone," replied the M.C. Then the M.C. and 235 Guilty Nick headed off; Jillybean and the others waved goodbye. It was a solemn time.
The M.C. looked back once just before dropping out of sight. He saw the Fan Fic writers preparing for the next battle; they were truly going to test if the pen was mightier than the SPAM. It didn't look good for the writers as the N00btopians would surely come back in even greater numbers the next time. All was not hopeless though, the M.C. heard something back from the writers, a song, and the M.C. hummed the tune of War with them as he walked away into the Halo Story Pages. "All my friends know Fan Fic writer. Da da da da da, da, da da. Fan Fic writer is a little typer. Da da da da da, da, da da. Fan Fic writer writes a little slower. Da da da da da, da, da da. Fan Fic writer is a real goer. Hey... Da da da da da, da da da da da, da da da da da, da, da da."
"We must hurry to the book-mobile, Repossessor," said 235 Guilty Nick, "and don't concern yourself about how the whole level looks like the same thing over and over again. I assure you, even though you won't be able to see it through the covered windows, the inside may look the same but the outside will be moving from place to place."
To be continued in part 2b
Note: Special thanks to the folks at HBO and Bungie for being such good sports and to the Fan Fic writers everywhere.
March of the N00bs - Part 2b
Date: 11 November 2003, 12:53 AM
Note: You might think the names in this story reflect people you know but I swear I made the whole thing up. I really don't know what you are talking about.
The March of the N00bs - Part 2b
Meanwhile in another map called Blood Gulch, Michael M., Shishka, bentllama, Ross Mills, and KP spied down on the N00btopian camp.
"These N00btopians give N00bs a bad name," said Shishka. "We were all N00bs once. In fact I don't even like to use the term N00b, it is just an excuse to label people, human beings... and further more... hey, wait a moment; take a look at 3:00, one hundred and seventeen meters, mark seven."
"I hear you Shishka, we shouldn't judge all N00bs by the actions of these N00btopians," said KP as he started to peer through the sniper scope. "Oh I see them, we know those two N00btopians peeling potatoes by the camp kitchen, one is halofan141 and the other is Littlebigman. Good call Shishka."
"Do you think you could get to them on a recon mission KP?" asked bentllama. "One disadvantage with the rest of us is that we tend to stand out in a crowd."
KP nodded and headed down into the N00btopian camp saying, "Easy as pie." When he reached the bottom of the hill, he was met by N00btopian sentries with their standard, "Where are your gamer tags?" demand.
KP presented his gamer tag. The sentries looked at the KP on KP's tag and pointed him towards the camp kitchen. "I'm getting hungry, I sure could use some pie," KP muttered to himself.
"Hey got some pie?" asked KP when he saw halofan141 and Littlebigman. "So what are you two doing here?"
"Man KP, this really sucks," said halofan141. "They promised us a mod for co-op play in Halo PC, but all they did was over heat my computer sending out DOS attacks and SPAM. Now look at us, peeling potatoes for those N00bs with better video cards."
"You want out?" smirked KP.
"You bet," replied halofan141 and Littlebigman.
"Good, but first mash me some potatoes because I'm hungry," commanded KP, "and then tell me about the prisoners from HBO."
As KP conversed with halofan141 and Littlebigman, Shishka observed from above. "What is KP doing down there?"
"It looks like he is eating mashed potatoes with gravy," said Michael M.
"And those look like French cut beans with those crunchy onions on top, lots of gravy and pot roast," interjected Ross Mills.
"Stuffing, oh and candied apples and no, it can't be, hot pie," gasped Shishka.
"Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrap, arrrrrrrgh!"
"Incoming, no wait, bentllama, was that you?" asked Shishka.
"Sorry, it was my stomach, I haven't eaten all day," replied bentllama.
"Me neither," said Ross Mills. "Nor I," said Shishka. "Or I," added Michael M.
"Okay, Ross any luck trying to contact the HBO forums using your webcam?" asked Shishka.
"None, nor Bungie or Subnova either, there seems to be a considerable network storm hitting all sites at the moment," replied Ross.
"Yeah, yeah, geek talk, I have a change of plans," said bentllama. "One of us needs to be a camper and go down to the enemy base."
"I'm the camper," said Ross Mills running down the hill.
"No me," shouted Michael M. while running after Ross.
bentllama and Shishka just stared at each other. "I really should be the camper because I've had the most practice," slowly stated bentllama.
"Ah ha, I knew it, camper," said Shishka.
I'll save you some pie, not," exclaimed bentllama as he headed down the hill.
Shishka gloated for a moment in self-accomplishment before realizing he was alone and hungry. "Oh no, wait bentllama, I'm a camper too."
"No I don't think so, you're no camper," muttered bentllama in passing.
"I am the camper!" shouted Shishka.
"I can't hear you," replied bentllama.
Shishka shouted at the top of his lungs saying, "I am the camper!!!"
Shishka's shouting drew a lot of attention to him. A horde of N00btopians gathered around to get him, but Shishka had wings and flew away. Then the N00btopians turned towards bentllama. It looked bad for the mighty bent one until he pointed at Shishka and shrugged his shoulders saying, "What are you waiting for, he said he was the camper. A matter of fact, I think he is the llama camper."
"The llama camper," said the N00btopians. The looks of utter delight combined with the grimace of revenge came over their faces. One by one they headed over to the banshees in hot pursuit of Shishka. However, there weren't enough banshees for all of them so some of the N00btopians just looked up pointing at Shishka yelling, "Look it is Shishkilla!"
"Shishkilla," questioned KP, "that's an odd name for a giant flying moth-like being, what's next, lightning shoot out of his ass?" KP paused for a moment. "Did I really say that? This story is really getting bad; we seriously need to rescue Wado."
"That's not going to happen," bellowed the voice of a large N00btopian boss. "Surrender now."
"Oh yeah," replied bentllama. "We accept your surrender."
"No, no, no," barked the boss, "you are supposed to surrender."
"I see no reason to surrender, seeing how you surrendered first," deduced bentllama.
"That's the last straw llama!" shouted the boss. "You and all the other prisoners shall entertain use by fighting to the death in a team slayer match -- Blood Gulch, 50% life, no shields and nothing but SPAM cannons against my best N00btopian Spammer Guard.
All the prisoners were taken out from blue base including many from the HBO forums. Each one was handed an empty SPAM cannon. "I don't keep it loaded son," stated the boss. "You'll have to find ammo as you go along."
"Let all stinking kill us and set to hate the worst stupid map up to suck and so does the game, you think you can figure this and that out, or are you just reprogram stupid thoughts you lamer just BLAM teleporters and BLAM you," stated one of the prisoners that looked a lot like Skav.
"Agreed," said BOLL.
"Right on," said The MorningStar.
"What, you hate Halo?" exclaimed the boss. "You are so stupid."
"We love you Skav," shouted a bunch of prisoners including Ben Roth, P_40E, crazed_dingo, Phantom_208, Break Point, jabond102, C-B.
"Excellent," said Moddedcyborg.
"You have fifteen minutes to prepare and then the spamming will begin," ordered the boss with a gleam in his eye.
Hordes of N00btopian shock troops unloaded from proxy servers over red base -- The finest of the N00btopians, the Spammer Guard. They marched in perfect unison, lag was non-existent to them. These were the N00btopian warriors that had routed an entire battle group of 7th column members. Suddenly the word N00b took on new meaning.
"What do you make of this," asked Skav. "Can we make our escape?"
"It doesn't look good," replied BOLL. "I've managed to mod the teleporter to send people off this map to safety, but the boss N00btopian is sure to notice when people start disappearing. Once the jig is up he'll lock down the teleporters and the rest of us will be doomed."
"Might I be of assistance," said the voice of Wado from behind a tree.
"Sure thing Wado," said the group, "but why are you behind that tree?"
"Err... I'm hiding because my active camo wore off and all I'm wearing is my speedos that say, if you can read this, my active camo has wore off. There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all for this, you see I was on the set of Shadows of Archon II, part 34 and singing in the shower and then..."
"I don't even want to know," interrupted Skav. "So what can we do Wado?"
"Well I've managed to gather quite a lot of data about the situation," calmly said Wado. "First the enemy is not what it seems. It really made no sense that so many N00bs would be united in an evil cause. N00bs is just a term used to describe new people and despite all the bad experiences, N00bs are not necessarily evil or should they be treated with disrespect. Anyway, that got me thinking and I did some browsing and found that the boss N00btopian isn't a N00b at all but a guy who went by the name Loulou Woowoo and tried to impersonate the noble King Louis Wu many years ago. He was banned and vowed vengeance."
"How does this information help us Wado?" asked KP who came into the scene with a tape measure.
"I'll get to that KP, but you have to stop measuring everyone's legs, I promise by the end of this story you will no longer have sticks for legs," replied Wado. "Now where was I, evil, N00bs, LouLou, oh yes, I remember. So these l33t N00bs are nothing more than scripts that the boss N00b placed on web sites. They bombard the people with constant pop-up ads and eventually, the more impressionable people get brainwashed and join the N00btopian cause. The most impressionable people are usually the new people."
"zzzzzzzzzz... (drool)... zzzzzzzz... huh?" said Skav. "So what is it that we are supposed to do Wado?"
"So as I was saying, this whole map is has a catacomb of tunnels beneath it. We just need to make the boss N00b believe we have been eliminated in game play, drop down and, oh what the heck, now that I'm back telling the story, let the story be told... stan?"
Stan came out dressed as the M.C. (Master of Ceremonies). Stan looked at all the N00btopians while spotlights flashed around on the crowd. A drum roll played and then all the lights homed in on stan.
"Hello N00btopia!" shouted stan. The crowd cheered. "Today we have a really big shoe for you. Let's start with the good old boys that put the B.O. in HBO." More cheers from the crowd followed.
dogsounds, the postman, Ninja on Fire, Skav, Opie, Exogenesis, Vid Boi, vshields ash and DoubleMint all came on stage and each put one hand in the air like this and one hand on the hip like that and started to sing and dance, "I'm a little tea pot, one, two, three. Would you like to be just like me?"
"Boo, you suck," yelled some N00btopians but before the crowd got too upset, Ross Mills popped up with his gigantic SPAM cannon. BLAM went the HBO'ers.
When the smoke cleared there was nothing left of any of them except one flaming ninja scooter, some halo tricks videos, and a picture of a dog and sloth left in the destruction. The N00btopians cheered at the carnage, chanting, "More, more, more!"
What the N00btopians didn't see was quite a different picture, however. You see at the fixed 30 fps that they were viewing the events at they failed to notice what happened between frames. The HBO'ers were never hit by Ross' SPAM cannon but instead a split 1/60th of second before the impact, they snuck down hidden holes in the ground and went through the tunnels and then teleported to safety.
"Scrrreeeeech," went the mike. "Testing, can anyone hear me," said Geary. Geary says the next skit is about flaming Bungie and how not to do it.
"Hey that Geary guy is kwel," said some N00btopians. "That Geary guy can talk without moving his lips."
bentllama, BLown-Upp, dogchow33 and Iceman1330 all came out and took a bow. "P-A-N-C-A-K-E," declared bentllama.
"What?" replied BLown-Upp who was then blasted to pieces.
"Huh?" said dogchow33 who was then blasted into a pile of meat in a bowl.
"I get it, heh, no I don't," said Iceman1330 who was frozen solid into a block of ice by bentllama's hypnotic stare.
"...and syrup" said whoknew, but bentllama replied saying, "no flapjack" and whoknew went poof in a cloud of illogic.
Geary says BLown-Upp was blown up, dogchow33 was turned to dog food, the Iceman1330 was iced, and whoknew didn't know.
"Hahaha," said some of the N00btopians. Then Ross came out and blasted bentllama and Geary. "ROFL," said the crowd.
Oh don't be scared, they aren't really hurt. Of course we know that secretly bentllama, BLown-Upp, dogchow33, Iceman1330, whoknew and Geary all teleported to safety so I don't need to explain that every time do I. It's just an act, it's not real, get it. I bet you think professional wrestling is real too? What? Arrrrgh. Just pretend that when an HBO'er gets spammed that they really are getting teleported to safety and the N00btopian boss doesn't realize it. Got it, good. Oh not the wrestling thing again. Yes I know it is called professional wrestling. Aaaaarggh.
So anyway, Gunnery Sergeant comes on stage leading LietLives, Chester The Destroyer, Mr. Mongoose, Spenser, SketchTeno, Blackstar, Yayap the grunt, Schooly D, wings of death, Pico, That guy over there who smiles just a bit too wide, thatdudeoverthere, The artist formerly known as HUNTR-KILLR, The Guardians (Formerly known as Gamey), The Holy Catfish, The Invisable O, thelegacy, ThePerfectCore, ThorsHammer, THR8807, thunderhawk555, Tiamat, Toby Dillman, Tom Vague (aka manic), ToolNIN, Trevelyan, troa00, TT 1080i, TURBO, Tursas, undertaker, uran8er, Valdek, Michael M., KORHOL, MrFluffyPants26, Konrad9, Toby Dillman, Ebb, JeffB2006, drelnathi, White RaBbit, Wolfchild, Wolfy, Wraith7n, wraps52, WRATHofGOD, Wulff, xenøs, xitFACTOR, XLNC, your cell phone, your mom, Your Poop, Vinedale, vlad3163, ZechsGX, and just about everyone else that was left. Oh and every one of them was dressed in a kilt.
"Atten hut!" ordered Gunnery Sergeant. Mr. Mongoose was at his side playing the bagpipes. "This is the grand finally everyone, let's get it right, ready... to the tune of the Riverdance."
"We are the masters of the forum dance. Ha, ha, ho, ho. We don't even wear any pants. Ha, ha, ho, ho."
"They all sang and danced. At the end they grabbed their crotches like Michael Jackson and in a high voice singing, "ooow." And then "(cough), (cough)" with their heads turned to the side.
Stan, I mean the M.C., came on stage. "HBO is powered by Macs and cheese. But I will tell you what is the cheesiest if you please." A drum roll went brrrrrrmmmmm. "The cheesiest thing is in the sky. No it is not a pie. It is the MOON."
At that moment all the HBO'ers turned around and lifted the backs of their kilts. Let's say it was a moony sight to the N00btopians.
"Where's that Ross and his SPAM cannon, I'm starting to feel quite a draft," whispered Skav.
"Ross, (hic-up), is in wardrobe (hic-up) changing into his kilt (hic-up), but don't worry, I'll shoot you (hic-up)," said Zoidberg as he slowly inhaled while taking aim. Aim at what, no one really knew for Zoidberg staggered back and forth and turned in every direction.
Zoidberg fired SPAM in every which direction, everyone dove for cover. Wado jumped down a hole and to wardrobe. "Ross, what are you doing down here in your kilt on front of that webcam? We need you up there. Zoidberg is out of control with your SPAM cannon."
"What (hic-up) is the problem (hic-up)?" replied Ross.
"That's the last time I let you and Zoidberg hang out together," said Wado. Then the lights went dim. Wado looked around and saw all the HBO'ers were being rounded up, even those that supposedly escaped through the teleporter. "Oh uh." He said.
"Very entertaining," bellowed the N00btopian boss. "The little teleportation mod was a nice try, but not good enough because I could see all of it at 120 fps on my over-clocked mega box. Now you all shall die."
The HBO'ers said their last goodbyes to each other. They had done everything within their power to stop the N00btopians, but without help, it was a doomed cause.
bentllama's ears turned towards the horizon. There was a sound, a murmur of engines approaching. Then there was a shadow above.
"Shishkilla!" yelled N00btopians as they pointed upwards and ran into little model tanks, building, trains, and cars. Yes, Shishka, the Lord of the Skies, had returned.
Shishka swooped down, his wings blowing over the little model tanks. Then from over the horizon came transports, yellow pelicans piloted by Red Loser, Hedgemony, c0ld vengeance, and foe hammer.
The HBO'ers loaded into the transports; even a few N00bs came along and were accepted by the group. Afterall, we are all N00bs in a way at heart.
Over the com channel was the M.C. (no not stan). "Listen up, we are about to activate the HSP defenses, everyone get out of there."
"Everyone," questioned Wado, "but the HSP defenses aren't a cudgel you barbarian."
"Err... Sorry Wado, but you are wrong, you idiot," came the voices of Finn and mnemesis on the com channel. "The only way is to nuke them from orbit."
As the HBO'ers and new found friends flew away from the game map, they looked back to see Nukey and nukedude fly down from the heavens. They nuked the heck out of everything. N00btopian was glassed and in the end, the boss N00btopian, a.k.a. Loulou Woowoo was never seen again (err... until the sequel).
"Hey what about my legs?" asked KP.
"Allow me," said BOLL as he drew KP some new stilts.
"Hey these aren't my legs, you promised," pleaded KP.
"I said you would not have sticks for legs at the end of the story, besides, how are you going to convince good King Louis that this all really happened if you have your real legs back?" inquired Wado. "Of course I could always ask ZZoMBiE13 to draw you some new legs."
"No that's quite okay, whimper, whimper," replied KP. And KP did get his chance to speak to good King Louis.
"So you see my noble king, that's how it happened," said KP.
"Wow that is amazing KP, now I must be going, I have a dance lesson to go to," replied the good king. "We're doing a production of the Nut Cracker for Christmas."
Then the good king headed off in his green and red tutu.
Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. ;)
Note: Special thanks to the folks at HBO and Bungie for being such good sports and to the Fan Fic writers everywhere. Now go home, there's nothing more to see here.
The March of the N00bs – Special Features
Date: 2 December 2003, 8:41 AM
Note: You might think the names in this story reflect people you know but I swear I made the whole thing up. I really don't know what you are talking about.
The March of the N00bs - Special Features
"This Special Features section for the March of the N00bs is jam packed with extra content, deleted scenes and bloopers. Hello, I'm the mystery writer, and I'll be your host for today. Let's start by bringing in the master blaster writing disaster, Wado himself."
"Hello Wado."
"Aiiieee!" Wado screamed like a little girl. "I told you to stop following me around, and what are you doing in my bathroom?"
"Interview, special features for March of the N00bs. Ring a bell? Hello anyone home up there?"
"Oh yeah, hand me a towel please." Wado comes out from behind the shower curtains.
"So Wado, I heard that some wild things happened on the set of March of the N00bs. Care to extrapolate?"
"I certainly don't extrapolate, especially on the first interview, but I will explain further and expand on your statement."
"Ah, right, go ahead."
"Well it wasn't nicknamed March of the boobs for nothing. Let me tell you mystery writer, it got pretty wild at times. Yeah, heh, heh, real wild -- Oh yeah, you bet, super-duper wild."
"Care to elaborate a bit on that?"
"I don't elaborate, what do you think I'm easy or something?"
"Okay, Wado, just give an example of how wild things got for our readers to know because they weren't there and they can't read your mind."
"Oh, well there was this time when the M.C. was being led through the book mobile by 235 Guilty Nick but instead of activating the HSP defenses he ended up in this bar full of women. Lots of the gals from the set were there and, oh heck, I've got film footage. Let's just watch this little piece I call M.C.'s hammer time."
M.C.'s hammer time
"Great, I've retrieved the debit card 235 GN, now let's go activate the HSP defenses," said the M.C.
"Sure thing but I better take that debit card, your flesh makes you vulnerable to boobie bars," insisted 235 Guilty Nick.
"Newbie bars?" asked the M.C.
"Technically no, but whatever floats your boat M.C.," said 235 Guilty Nick in a confused voice.
"So where do we go next?" asked the M.C.
"First stop is the cash machine; yeah baby!" replied 235 Guilty Nick. "I've got a hot date with h00rtona and a spot on Shishka's AIs Gone Wild, Live and Uncut (http://carnage.bungie.org/haloforum/halo.forum.pl?read=321642)." 235 then slipped $20 to the M.C. "Don't spend it all in one place M.C., see you later."
"What? You're leaving, just like in the library, noooooooooooo!" screamed the M.C.
"I never went to the library with you M.C., I think you are having flashbacks from the Story Bible," replied 235 Guilty Nick as he spun around just because he could. "Look M.C., I don't know how to tell you but you are such a chick magnet that I won't be able to get anywhere with h00rtana unless you get lost, so get lost. And hurry, here she comes."
The M.C. headed into some bushes so that the approaching h00rtana wouldn't see him. He felt a bit naughty listening to the conversation between 235 GN and h00rtana, but he couldn't risk being seen for the sake of the little blue construct.
"Hey there h00rtana, are you wearing a space suit because your body is out of this world," said 235 Guilty Nick. "Want to tangle with some wide bandwidth tonight? I've got the HSP debit card."
"Sure I guess, you seem like a nice enough construct," replied h00rtana. "Let's go get something to eat."
The M.C. waited for h00rtana and 235 GN to leave then he headed down the street looking for an all-you-can-eat place. He had 20 bucks you know. Little did the M.C. know, however, that he was being watched.
"This is so great, he doesn't realize I'm filming him," whispered Wado from the shadows.
The camera goes on to Wado. "This is the M.C. in his natural habitat, the mini-mall. Watch carefully as he selects exactly the best deal for a meal to feed the hungry animal in him." Then the camera focuses back on the M.C. who is heading into a building. "Hurry, we can't lose him," whispered Wado in an Aussie accent.
The M.C. entered the building with a sign above it that said "Half-off Sailor's night." The place was dark the music loud.
"Hello M.C.," said a sultry voice. Then the music stopped and the house lights came on.
"Well hello, Pallor, what are you and all these other ladies doing here?" asked the M.C. as he looked around and saw the place was packed with women. On the stage were three men that had been dancing without any shirts on.
"The question should be, what are you doing here M.C.?" replied Pallor, her blonde hair tossing from side to side as she turned her head and massaged her own shoulders. Apparently it had been a long and hard day for her.
"Half off, Sailor's night," said the M.C. "That's what the sign said and I'm a sailor so I should get half-off."
"Silly cupcake," said the sexy voice of Jillybean who now stood beside Pallor. "It's sailors wearing only half their clothes."
"Oh really, which half? (cough) Well anyway, I just wanted something to eat, I've only got 20 bucks and I can eat a lot," stated the M.C. innocently.
"Oh M.C. we've got lots of food for you," said Sarah, "but you can't eat with that helmet on. Why not take it off and let us see what it is you have under it?"
"You know the rules, when I'm in the suit, you can't see under the helmet," lectured the M.C. "Besides, aren't you a little young to be thinking about such things."
"Oh just a little peak, we won't tell anyone," said Jillybean. Then the crowd of at least 77 women chanted, "helmet, helmet, helmet."
Pallor put on an apron and brought out a pizza. "You know you want some M.C., now off with the helmet."
"This is kind of embarrassing," said the M.C. "I'm not really in the mood, the lights are too bright and I need music."
"We can arrange things for you M.C.," said Pallor who signaled for the lights to dim and music to start. The music started with "I'm a cowboy, I'm a cowboy..."
At first the M.C. stood still but slowly his hips began to gyrate. "Just call me the big green dancing machine," shouted the break dancing M.C.
Errrrrrrrkkkkkk! The film is stopped. "Hold on there Wado, you can't show this stuff. The M.C. represents so much, to so many people; you just can't show him like this. And you especially can't show what's under his helmet; Bungie would never allow that."
"Just relax mystery writer. I'm only giving the fans what they want. Why there are literally hundreds of forum posts speculating what the big green guy has under the helmet. Now once and for all I'm going to reveal who he really is under that helmet. Roll the film, roll the film!"
The film starts once more but there is nothing but static.
"What happened to the film?" Wado approached the camera crew but they weren't around instead there was only Miguel Chavez. "Hello Miguel, I'm glad you are here. I've been meaning to say that the M.C. was at some really cool party the other night, wasn't that you player, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, you weren't too hot in the helmet were you?"
"I don't know what you are talking about Wado; I went home early the last couple of nights, the filming of March of the N00bs really got me tired."
"Come on Miguel, the jig is up, you can tell the world what really is under the M.C.'s helmet."
"Yes I know Wado, and I guess I can tell."
"See I knew I would reveal the tru7h to the world, right here on this Special Features film. So go ahead Miguel."
"Well Wado, best I can figure it's the M.C.'s head under his helmet, it's not too hard to see at the end of Halo that he has a head, although covered with shadows. You can also see his eyes through his visor at times."
"Yes, errr... what Miguel? No you are supposed to reveal that it's you under the helmet. Come on, why doesn't anyone believe me?"
"Umm, I played the M.C. in your story because M and C are my initials. I played him in the story; I'm not the M.C. in real life Wado."
"No you are and I can prove it Miguel, you can't hide the tru7h. And I know just who to ask to prove it. Hey you, yes you in the bunny suit."
"Hi Wado and who do I blame for this outfit?"
"Hey don't look at me or the mystery writer because Shishka put you in that outfit (http://www.subnova.com/comic/?cid=3) and I have to say, you look marvelous Bob."
"Are you making a bad joke Wado, you know who I am, don't you?"
"Screw me if I'm wrong, but I think your name is Bob."
"Oh my, your timing has got to be the worse... Oh is that you Miguel, it's always a pleasure to see you."
"I knew it Pallor, that big smirk and look of satisfaction across your face gives it all away, he is the M.C. and you saw under his helmet, right?"
"I don't know what you are talking about Wado, as usual I might add. No Miguel just dances to the music I like, we have something is common."
"And that music is... I'm a cowboy... boom, boom, baby, right?"
"No it is Nine and a half inch nails. Tehehehehehe."
"Hey what's so funny? I will prove that Miguel is the M.C."
"I already said I was Wado, those are my initials."
A group of women approached. "Hello Miguel. Nice day for a dance."
"Oh hello Jillybean and Sarah."
"Hello Miguel, hello, hello, hi, hey there.... Tehehehehehe."
"Hello Kate, Lisa, Dana, Chris, the Swedish Bikini Team, Karen, Traci, Britney..."
"Grumble, grumble. I swear I'm going to prove it Miguel."
"Don't feel bad Wado, here look at all this money I got."
"Where did you get all this money, there must be a few thousand dollars all in ones and fives?"
"Umm, I found it in my Bungie pants this morning."
"Hey I'm supposed to make the jokes around here."
"Sorry Wado, I forgot."
"Hey what about me, the mystery writer. I'm supposed to be interviewing you Wado."
"Yes you are, aren't you. Well first I'd like to say that your story-telling skills need some work mystery writer. For instance, how did I get out here in the middle of the street wearing nothing but a towel? You really need to take into account the setting for each scene. I mean no one even said a word about my towel."
"Well, I thought I did quite good in your absence. March of the N00bs Part 2a got rave reviews."
"Yes, mystery writer, I heard your story was really good, kind of like how the Matrix 2 is so much better than the first Matrix."
"Well, yeah. So Wado, show us some of the stuff that didn't make it into the story, the cutting room floor."
"No problem, here is a scene that didn't make it in. To set things up we have Mainevent, Walker, Ishkabibbl, Simpson's Rule, Private Red Shirt and MasterGrunt. Well Private Red Shirt was supposed to be a stunt double but since his dad owned the studio we had to give him a few lines. Anyway, it is a cool dark night on the Fan Fic front..."
Night of the Flug
"Game over man, we're all gonna die," said a freaked out Private Red Shirt.
"Calm down soldier," comforted Lance Corporal Walker, "I read the script and you and I are mentioned in the big Fan Fiction battle so we can't die before them."
"I don't know about that, Wado killed off the Master Chief in his story," interjected Ishkabibbl. "No one is safe around here and besides I read the script too and there is no mention of a Private Red Shirt in the battle ahead."
Lance Corporal Walker kicks Ishkabibbl in the shin.
"Ouch, what did you do that for?" complained Ishkabibbl. "Oh I see."
"Argghhh, I'm going to die!" screamed Private Red Shirt.
"Come on pull yourself together," said Simpson's Rule. "What are you afraid of, you are two weeks away from retirement, you are engaged to be married, you are a racial minority who is neither funny nor in a starring role and... well no one would kill off your character, err... gee come to think of it, you are dead meat."
"Hey what is up with Mainevent?" asked MasterGrunt. "The guy has been motionless and suspended in the air for hours now."
Mainevent is a shadowy figure dressed in all black. Suspended in time it is impossible to get him into the story, but we try nevertheless.
"You hear that?" whispered Private Red Shirt. "There it is again."
Whistling voices in the air, "We are the Flatulent Flug, the Flatulent Flug..."
"Lock and load gentlemen," ordered Lance Corporal Walker.
"Yes, sir..." whispered the group as they loaded up their weapons with pancake rounds.
"Pancake?" said bentllama who was then quickly escorted off the set.
"Here they come," stated Ishkabibbl. A dark shadow moved across the ground. Small waves of mushroom shaped creatures bobbed up and down. It was the Stench!
Rapapapapapapa pa pa rapapapa flew the pancake rounds. "Reload!" shouted MasterGrunt as he ducked down under cover.
"Cover!" replied Walker. Then he popped up to unload a clip into the Stench. babababababababababab bam bababababababababab bam. "Reload!" shouted Walker.
"Cover!" replied MasterGrunt. Rapapapapapapapapa pa pa rapapapa.
Private Red Shirt busily loaded and handed out ammo clips to the others as they ran empty. Simpson's Rule and Ishkabibbl sniped the larger members of the Stench -- the Flug Warriors.
"That's seven kills," shouted Simpson's Rule.
"I'm up to nine rookie," replied Ishkabibbl.
"Three in one shot," said Simpson's Rule. "That's ten."
"Lag damn it, it's the lag," complained Ishkabibbl.
"You sure do complain a lot Ishkabibbl," interrupted Private Red Shirt.
"It's that Wado's idea, it appears he is having trouble spelling my name so he takes it out on me in the story," answered Ishkabibblabbilbibbbilibiblibbbbi. Author's note: Delete this scene from the real story, so no one knows my mistakes.
Absolutely silent and unmoving, Mainevent disappeared in a cloud of smoke. Incidently, at the same time he disappeared and the smoke formed, twelve dozen of the Stench ran into pancake rounds that were suspended in the air. The bodies of the Stench encircled the suspended pancake rounds.
"Boo-ya, Mainevent!" cheered the group. All that was left of the Stench were the bodies of the fallen Flug and a large green cloud.
"Which way is the wind blowing?" asked Simpson's Rule.
"Umm... Run, save yourselves!" ordered Lance Corporal Walker. Alas the wind was starting to blow in their direction. Soon the cloud of flatulence would overtake their position. Everyone ran for it except for poor Private Red Shirt.
Private Red Shirt stood in awe of the cloud saying, "So this is how the Flug alter the atmosphere, now finally I have a theory worthy of the Story Page; step aside Prince the Forerunner."
Jamirus99 runs off in the distance, "It's mine, my precious theory, yes Story Page, my precious." He is promptly hit over the head and knocked out by a seven pound doughnut.
"Opps, sorry," said Jillybean. "Hmm... heh, no that doughnut wasn't for me, it's for the Story Page."
"Yes, I lived!" exclaimed a joyous Private Red Shirt. "Now I can be in the rest of the story."
"Oh man, you reek," said everyone. "Hit the showers soldier," ordered Lance Corporal Walker.
I am sad to report that Private Red Shirt hit the showers and broke off the nozzle. The resulting flood washed him away. He is still missing and presumed dead. In honor of the lost Red Shirt, we salute you.
Meanwhile on the set of Star Trek, a lost Red Shirt enters just in time to join the away team. "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" he shouts.
Bloopers
h00rtana: "Why M.C., I can still see you, now get into the bush now." - CUT! Laughter on the set... - "Oh, opps..."
Wado: "You know Jilly, bagels look a lot like doughnuts."
Jillybean: "Silly cupcake, hahahahaha, oh hehehehehehe, I ca-ca-can't, too hehaha, whoo! Okay, okay, here goes... Silly cupcake, hahaha, hehe, ha. I can't say it." - CUT!
Wado: "Figures the one time I get to disprove the whole doughnut theory and look what happens. Not funny Jilly."
Louis Wu: "Very interesting KP..." - Yo that's my line - "Oh sorry Stuntmutt, but the guest queue to get into Wado's fan fiction is too big so I axed your spot and gave it to me." - But you're already in the story - "Oh yeah, umm... gee... don't you have a strip to make or something."
Stan: "We have a really big boot for you." - CUT - "Sorry... we have a really big slipper for you." - CUT - "Line, what's my line?" - Shoe, a really big shoe - "got it... we have a really big moccasin for you..."
KP: "Would you two get a room?" - Are you talking about me and Jillybean? - "No Wado, I'm talking about Louis and that tutu he has."
Shiska: "You left me out of the story Wado." - Umm, well Shishka's a bit over-protective of you and I didn't want to make him angry - "Oh don't worry about that guy, the first 'h' in his name means honey. He's all sweet when you get to know him." - Well I suspected something like that. What's the second 'h' stand for? - "What second 'h'?"
Bentllama: "Pudding." - CUT! For the last frigging time the line is 'Pancake', say 'Pancake'
Note: Special thanks to the folks at HBO and Bungie for being such good sports and to the Fan Fic writers everywhere. Agent 117. Chief. Master Chief. So we finally meet, man with the yellow banshee...
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